Viva la Resolution!

According to the Department of Statistics We Pulled Out of Our Ass, most New Year’s resolutions are broken within the first week. Since I hate admitting that I lack the willpower to follow through on even the most benign of resolutions, I tried to put together a list that would require more effort to break than to keep.

So, with that in mind, I present my resolutions for ought-9.

1. I will not put roadkill on my next-door neighbor’s wheelchair ramp to jumpstart a PETA protest.

2. I will not reprogram the church carillon to play Helter Skelter.

3. I will not put Thorazine into my kids’ pudding snacks whenever they get mildly annoying.

4. I will not dig holes in the graveyard and call 911 about zombies.

5. I will not quote the Revelations of St. John whenever a discussion turns to in-laws.

6. I will not play recordings of screams in the attic whenever the city bus drives by.

7. I will not re-label copies of Hostel as The Wiggles Visit Europe and leave them at the library.

8. I will not sit in a tower in the front yard and call out “Release the hounds!” whenever a pedestrian wanders by.

9. I will not Twitter during a colonoscopy.

10. I will not build an Alamo snow fort and challenge my Mexican neighbors to a rematch.

This is gonna be a snap.