Exhausting Meals and Shady Talent

Apparently our newest employee is a hummingbird. He’s one of these people that won’t (or can’t) look you in the eyes when he’s talking to you, and is constantly twitching around to look at other stuff. As we conversed over lunch, he appeared to be offering his observations to the table next to us, the plant in the corner, the television on the wall…anywhere but the guy across from him who’d asked the original question. Damn, dude…my autistic Cub makes more eye contact than you.

Now, I tend to focus on people’s mouths when they’re speaking, like I’m reading the words as they’re spoken. I’m sure it’s discomfiting, so I make an specific effort to meet their eyes often. Can’t do that if they’re not meeting yours, though. I put a damn crick in my neck trying to keep a sightline established. I’m surprised I didn’t choke on my cheeseburger.

Don’t think I’ll be having lunch with Spaz the Bobblehead again anytime soon; it was exhausting, and I don’t want to work that hard over a casual meal.

In other Business news, my boss and I were discussing Dubious Abilities, like being the best assassin, or the fastest thief. You can take pride in it because you’re the best, but you can’t really brag about it because it’s “not polite” or “illegal.” I’m sure there are certain circles in which you’d receive your due acknowledgement, but it kind of kills the chit-chat before the church service starts. “Oh me? I perfected a method of cheating the house in Roulette. What’d you do this week?”

Competing Statistics

The majority of Americans are overweight.

The majority of Americans are unhappy.

Shouldn't we be getting jollier?

Six off the cuff

Pulls gun from garter and takes care of it

Mrs. Cat asks an interesting question: Can you think of any action film in which a woman does something incredibly dangerous to save the man she loves? When women wade into the fray, it’s usually to protect their children or the weak, or to fight for some cause or principle – and these are usually in Horrors or Dramas. Or it’s played for laughs in Comedies and Spoofs. As many movies as we’ve seen, we can’t think of a straight-up “Stand back, honey; let me handle this.” situation.

***

Hats off to stupid policies

The Pittsburg-area bank PNC has a new policy: customers must take off their hats, sunglasses and other items that might conceal their identity while inside its branches. Apparently, this is a growing trend for banks nationwide.

"Hopefully, [thieves] see that sign and will say they should go someplace else," said Margot Mohsberg, spokeswoman for the American Bankers Association.” Yeah, because people who have convinced themselves to commit a felony will be dissuaded by a laminated sign.

Bruce Spitzer, spokesman for the Massachusetts Bankers Association, said "We knew that implementing this would not solve all bank robberies. But it might prevent some.” Good thinking, Bruce. I bet if you restricted all transactions to the drive-up window, you’d cut them down even further. Once you start justifying actions with “It might prevent some (whatever)”, the line differentiating sound policy and absurdity disappears.

Now I want to rob a bank with a tree just to see the “No Trees” signs appear.

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Challenging, but not…you know…challenging

I’m helping someone create a trivia game, and was chastised for asking too-difficult questions. Sorry, dude; I thought you wanted this to be kind of fun.

***

When verbification attacks

Shutterbugs have been hassled in Phoenix, AZ for taking pictures of downtown buildings. When asked which DHS statute they were violating (the “charge”), the helpful police officer told them to “Google it.”

***

Zero tolerance = zero intelligence

http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2009/04/sexting-hysteri.html

I’m thinking the whole “sexting” scare is being blown out of proportion by the media to sell product, just like the germs stories, the shark stories, the dangerous toys stories, etc. etc.

***

More inappropriate humor

Mrs. Cat looked over at some visitors in the boneyard next door and commented; “The zombies are getting fresher.”

Just Wondering

Why is it that when people start decrying “gas-guzzlers,” they always pick on the soccer moms in the huge SUVs or the questionably-endowed Hummer drivers? No one ever brings up the Greyhound bus-sized RVs that usually only have a single retired couple in them. Those things get worse gas mileage than a Navigator in Neutral with a brick on the accelerator.

There’s a sign outside my local pharmacy that promises prescriptions “while you wait.” As opposed to what? Your shoving the pills down my throat when I walk in? The whole “while you wait” thing no longer has relevance. Back when you’d order goods and have to wait for the next trans-Atlantic shipment to bring them, being able to tailor a suit (for example) within an hour made it a good marketing hook. Today, however, we expect that you already have the stuff in stock and our waiting will be minimal, so advertising it is redundant.

If I vote for the Republicans this November, I’m being racist, but if I vote for the Democrats, I’m being sexist. This is what happens when your whole deck is nothing but Victim cards. Now what?

If you find an S&M magazine in your child’s room, would a spanking deter or encourage them?

The legal profession is frustrated by the fact that today’s juries expect “Law & Order” type trials. Maybe they should stop with the bullshit torts like tobacco settlements and McDonald’s coffee injuries, or at least send the lawyers to a couple of Drama classes. Would that help?

Will the next reality show go meta, and follow a group of reality show watchers?

I read a quote from a member of the American Association of Advertising Agencies saying the profession needed better exposure than just “Mad Men.” You mean swamping us with more advertising per minute than any other country isn’t enough? Putting ads in elevators, on grocery store conveyor belts, in one-fifth of every television hour, on urinal screens, on taxis and buses, on billboards, on recorded hold messages, in magazines, in movies, on the radio, in the newspaper, in sports stadiums, by third-class direct mail, in comic books, in text messages, in pop-up ads, in e-mail spam, in the doctor’s office, and in point-of-sale displays isn’t getting you noticed? Or do you mean better exposure, meaning that 99% of your efforts are either crap that we forget immediately, or are so disingenuous that you’re placed in the Used Car Salesman category, and you want an improved image? Who is the burden on, here? (Hint: Not us.)

Just Wondering

I want a bumper sticker that identifies me as a Bjørn again Scandinavian.

Speaking of reincarnation, why is it that everyone who “remembers their past lives” was always someone important or powerful? It would be refreshing to hear someone cop to being the assistant dung-scraper for a forgotten tradesman in Feudal England, or being a leprous quadriplegic begging outside of Fort William in Calcutta during the mid-18th century.

Further proof that environmentalists should be burned for fuel: the Spanish region of Navarre currently gets 70% of its energy from renewable resources – mainly solar and wind. Even so, there are those environmentalists that complain about the windmills spoiling the landscape and killing birds. “What they are doing is absolutely unsustainable and completely illegal,” says Antonio Munilla, of Gurelur, an environmental group. “We have taken this matter before the Congress and European Union.” http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article1873123.ece
Hey, Antonio – shut your agujero. Your argument is complete and total bullshit. The wind and the sun are totally sustainable (until the sun dies in about 5 billion years, and even that event will be about 4 billion years after it starts to expand and destroys all life on Earth). As for the legality of the enterprise, it seems that your group is mostly upset because the number of avifauna deaths was underreported in accordance with some whiny law. Boo hoo. I went to your web site. Where do you get the electricity to run your computers? Shut the fuck up. You bitch about the power generation while simultaneously availing yourself of that power. Hypocrite.

Bush is now desperately trying to get the GOP to back his amnes - oops - I mean, his immigration bill. Apparently, he doesn’t understand why we’re all pissed off about it. According to a Washington Times article, “[t]he president pleaded with senators to ‘show courage and resolve’ to withstand outrage from voters in their districts.” Uh, Jorge? Do you remember who works for whom, here? We don’t want this, and if those senators would like to be reelected, they’ll listen to us, not you. We stopped you on that stupid Miers nomination, remember? I both like and respect Tony Snow, but I sure wouldn’t want to be in his shoes right now. From the same article: “Tony Snow said the administration was trying to ‘lower the temperature and get people to talk about basic principles.’" Okay. Build the damn wall. Punish anyone that knowingly employs illegals. Deport the ones we catch. Basic, enough?

More whining from the Gay lobby, now they’re all a-twitter because e-Harmony doesn’t cater to them, and they’re bringing a lawsuit. Just stop it, okay? There are plenty of dating services and websites that you can go to in order to find a deeply meaningful relationship. Several a week, if that’s what you want. That’s what drives me up the damn wall about ideologues - on both sides. They won’t rest until everybody believes exactly as they do, and they’ll use every tool available to convert, sway, or force people to accept their views. If I own a business, and I think it’s worthwhile to court the “pink dollars”, or the pesos, or the Confederates, I will. Any market I deem to be a waste of time or have a negative ROI will not be pursued. Period.

My daughter came up to me and innocently asked: “Daddy? What are the strongest days of the week?” Huh? What an odd question. “I don’t know, Sweetheart.” “Saturday and Sunday,” she told me confidently. “The rest of them are weak days!” Groan. As a dedicated punster, I should’ve seen that one coming a mile away. I’m sure my friends are arranging an intervention for her as I type this. The scamp.

My littlest is enamored by the Teletubbies. The whole thing freaks me out, and I don’t even care if Tinky Winky is gay, or is just comfortable with his man-purse. The whole show smacks of social engineering, with dark Orwellian overtones. Every time the windmill starts up, the Tubbies are compelled to line up outside and see which of them will receive a transmission in their abdomen. And no matter where they go, one of those speaker trumpets pops up out of the ground and starts instructing them. It’s creepy. I much prefer the old Kroft shows, like H.R. Pufnstuf, which at least were powered by some really good LSD trips.

We went to the Disney store today, because our collective blood sugar was dropping. I was waiting for the girls to finish machete-ing their way through the princess stuff, hanging out by the Pirates display (because that’s the coolest place for a big manly tomcat), and was approached by one of the animatronic salespeople. She asked if there was anything she could help me find. I told her that I was a fan of older Disney efforts, and was it possible that they had any 20,000 Leagues or Song of the South merchandise? No on both counts, though she said that she thought there had been some talk about re-releasing Song of the South on DVD. This would absolutely thrill me, as I am a huge Br’er Rabbit fan. I am enough of a student of the modern, “feelings not facts” culture, though, that I am positive that some idiot like Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton would oppose it on “racial” grounds. This would be truly unfortunate, as the Shakedown twins would be (once again) fomenting discontent and dissension where none exists. The Uncle Remus stories were faithfully collected by Joel Chandler Harris, and are accurate retellings of African trickster tales. (There is some overlap between Br’er Rabbit stories and Anansi the Spider stories.). His publishing them insured that those anecdotes took their place alongside Aesop’s fables and some of Chaucer’s animal tales. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects of the African contributions to the canon of the world’s great literature, the parasites that make their living off of racial strife would rather scream about perceived slights and reparations. Which is more of an honor? Making sure that a new generation is made aware of the history of these great narratives, or making sure they were never seen again? Would stories passed down by slaves prefer to be free…or kept chained up?

The new trailer for the Transformers is better than the whole of Spiderman 3. Behold, the power of editing.

The new Nessie footage from Scotland shows the new "slimline" model of the monster. Expect the Loch Ness Diet to hit the shelves soon. Of course, anyone that tries to live solely on Scottish food will lose weight anyway. It's called Involuntary Bulimia. (All right - That was a cheap shot against my ancestral clans. Sorry, guys. I actually like haggis, if it helps.)

Just Wondering

Saw a sign that gleefully informed me that 1/20/09 would be Bush’s last day in office. What will happen to the Democrats when the target of their vitriol leaves? Will they turn on each other at that point? Isn’t this the same tension that keeps the Dark Knight and the Joker in lockstep?

A sign on a restaurant told me that they were serving Ice Coffee. It’s Iced Coffee, you morons, same as Iced Tea. The first word is an adjective that modifies the noun behind it. “Ice” is not an adjective. I know that a lot of people say “Ice Water,” but unless you’re serving actual meltwater, that’s incorrect. When did grammar become so difficult?

Speaking of grammatical challenges, a coworker that gets way too much ego gratification from MySpace came up to me recently. “Know who I was talking to last night?” He leaned forward and paused, building the drama. “Nikki. Hilton.” Then he stepped back with this smug “Who’s the man?” look on his face. I asked him what rigorous identification verification procedures he had to endure to create his MySpace account, and was he aware that on my blog, I was personified by a talking cat?

I absolutely despise the current sartorial trend of placing logos and catchphrases on the rear of tight sweatpants sold to young girls. I am a compulsive reader, having been conditioned by evil marketing agents to seek out their messages. I am also of an age and moral character where I do not wish to be seen staring at a 12-year-old’s ass. In this Megan’s Law “for the children” era, where we stop just short of the death penalty for child molesters, and the merest hint of opprobrium can ruin a man’s life forever, who decided that this was a good idea?

Surely I can’t be the first to think of how much more work we could get done if we’d stop having meetings about how much work we’re getting done.

I really don’t ask for much out of life. A healthy, happy family, a small circle of excellent friends, a satisfying career, my own submarine, and an island fortress. That’s not too much, is it?

It’s been said that the lottery is a tax on idiots. Looking at the current crop of Presidential candidates, I’m beginning to suspect that our elections are, too. There are none of them who wouldn’t benefit from a road trip to Emerald City. The dispensation of a few brains, hearts, and some courage would improve the selection immensely.

Compassionate Conservatism is no way to win a war. Particularly the war against Islamic fanaticism. My humble suggestion is to get biblical on the terrorists. In II Samuel, Sheba, a Benjamite that revolted against King David, is holed up in the stronghold city of Abel. Joab, the commander of the king’s army, attacks the city. A woman asks him why he is trying to kill her, and he tells her that he is looking for Sheba. This woman goes and convinces the people to cut off Sheba’s head and throw it over the wall. Joab then calls off the attack. Similarly, we should line up our bombers, missiles, and tanks, and make it clear that unless the terrorists are delivered to us, we’ll turn their cities into dust. We know where these folks are, we just don’t know who they are. If the rest of the inhabitants want to be martyrs about it, we can help them with that, too. If II Samuel isn’t to your liking, how about Samuel L. Jackson? “And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger!” It always amuses me that the same people that sit in the theatre going “Yeah! Get him!” recoil in horror when it’s instituted as official Foreign policy.

Why do airline pilots feel compelled to chatter away on the intercom? Do they think that enhances customer service? Don’t you have a button to push, or traffic to monitor or something? I’m trying to read, here. I’ll consider your customer service obligation fulfilled if I get there on time, and can walk away from the plane. I don’t need a guided tour from 30,000 feet.

There’s a guy in our office that enjoys being annoying. You don’t dare ask him to stop doing something, because then he knows that it bothers you, and he does it more. My solution to this is to fuck with his OCD. When he targets me, I just knock his paper clip holder onto the floor. If he keeps it up, I rearrange his desk. He’s learning.

Some phrases just stick with you. Currently, I have the echo of some dialogue from Dark Passage stuck in my head. Bogart asks Bacall “So you like Swing music?” Her answer, “Yes. Legitimate Swing.” intrigues me. Was the market being flooded with cheap foreign imitators? Was there some epic battle in the music industry in the 40s to determine what was going to be labeled as Swing music? I’m sure the answer would add all sorts of nuances to Bacall’s character, but I’ve not been able to track anything down.

Just Wondering

Which Liberal group is going to get the most press out of this incident at Virginia Tech? The hand-wringing pseudo-psychologists that will blame it all on video games, or the Socialistic Utopians that will try to use it as an excuse to erase the Second Amendment? It’s real simple, people: If video games influenced behavior, I’d be gobbling up glowing dots and running away from ghosts. Similarly, laws do not change behavior, they only regulate it. Making it illegal to own a gun will not stop someone who has already determined that they’re going to break the law. Ever notice how these massacres occur when a person with a gun goes into a gun-free zone such as a school? Why aren’t there ever firefights at a police station or a gun store? If you want to proscribe something to make it harder for this sort of thing to happen again, take a cue from the kid’s notes and outlaw rich kids and their debauchery. That seems to be what made him snap.

If I run over a man wearing camouflage, can I claim I didn’t see him?

I know the cure for an earworm is to listen to the song. Anyone know a good way of getting rid of soundbite-sized memes? I’ve got that stupid “More cowbell!” phrase banging around in my head.

I totally support Don Imus’s right to say whatever the hell he wants to. I also support the market forces that levy the consequences of his exercising that right. His first mistake was insulting the team for no reason; that was just mean-spirited. His second mistake was groveling to Al “Dig my shiny suits” Sharpton. It takes a race-baiter to know one, I guess. Has Big Al come out against gangsta rap lyrics yet? Anyone? Listening to Mr. Tawana Bradley and The Very Reverend Jesse “Shakedown” Jackson talk about racism is like a black fly in your Chardonnay. (Can I say “black”, Al and Jesse?) Keep in mind, Rainbow Coalition anagrams to: RACIAL BOON - I OWN IT.

Scientists have developed a Flu vaccine by genetically-engineering caterpillars rather than infecting millions of hen eggs each year. It’s a safer, slightly-faster process, and is just really freaking cool. I’m curious, though – will PETA shut up now that the hens are being left alone, or are we to feel sorry for the yellow-striped fall army worms, too?

I saw where two teens with balls of steel broke into Ted Nugent’s house. Will Shemane title her next book To Serve Man?

If you have a Mustang, please do not drive fifteen miles under the speed limit. I could easily make a case for justifiable homicide.

Ever just wake up in a mood where you spend all day at the office fantasizing about stapling your coworkers’s lips to the wall? I did today. I’d watch them try to pry themselves loose with one of those steel-fanged staple removers, and when they finally pulled free, I’d laugh and buy them a snack cake.

Just Wondering

If men who drive fancy, expensive, high-performance cars are generally believed to be compensating for a small penis, how come men in crappy, cheap, barely-functioning vehicles aren’t given the opposite consideration?

A little S&M never hurt anyone. Think about it.

Speaking of consistency, why do environmentalists tell us to believe the scientific community when it comes to global warming, but not when it comes to irradiated or genetically-modified food?

Remember, you can’t spell “Hillary” without “liar.”

Ever notice that whenever the Left has a rally, there are always about a dozen different causes being fronted, no matter the stated intent of the march? Makes you wonder how many people would actually be out there annoying the passers-by if we made a “one cause per protest” rule. Perhaps their support isn’t as large as they want you to believe.

ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, and NPR all grouse that FOX has an agenda. If they’re all saying the same thing, what’s theirs?

Didn’t Alanis Morissette already cover “My Humps?” I thought it was called “You Oughtta Know.”

If you’re curious as to what life would be like with a Democratic President, Democratic Congress, and a Democratic-appointed Supreme Court, take California during Gray Davis’s reign and multiply it by the other 49 states. Or just use the current governor, if that’s easier.

If Bush wants to play high-stakes poker with Congress, shouldn’t he at least have a pair?

ICANN has again rejected the petition to create a .xxx domain specifically for pornography, claiming that “its creation could set ICANN up as a potential regulator of content on the Internet, which is not in its mandate.” This didn’t stop them from organizing .com, .biz, .org, .gov, or .edu. Perhaps they should change their name to ICANT.

I see that Congress may soon be voting on whether to outlaw our favorite icon of inspiration - the lowly incandescent bulb - in favor of the sexy new CFLs (Compact Fluorescent Lamps). Quick question: if your toddler knocks over the lamp, would you rather just have a little bit of broken glass and a wire, or an EPA HAZMAT Class 8 mercury spill? I think I’d prefer using a broom and dustpan than to have my living room declared a superfund site.

I visit a good half-dozen news aggregate sites each day. This increases the chance that some actual information slips through the BritneyAngelinaParisAnnaNicoleLindsey coverage.

Seems that some of the post-literate My Space crew have started a website called Writers Mafia. (I was impressed despite myself; I only found three grammatical mistakes in a cursory glance.) They’re gonna TXT you an offer you w0nt undr5t4nd. Leave the gun. Take the ellipsis.

Just Wondering

If Global Warming is caused by Man, why are the icecaps on Mars melting?

If a gay man is looking for a male partner, why do so many of them choose men that act like women? The same gender-equivalent question for the lesbians.

If “The People” in the First Amendment means The People; “the People” in the Fourth Amendment means The People; “the People” in the Ninth Amendment means The People; and “the People” in the Tenth Amendment means The People, why is there so much confusion over the term “the People” in the Second Amendment?

With so much confusion over how far various governments should go in offering reparations for slavery, how about we just allow any former slave to demand as much as they want from their former owner?

If PETA wants to stop animal testing, why don’t they volunteer to replace the rats? It would make the drug trials much shorter, thereby reducing the final costs. I realize that by doing so, they wouldn’t have time to kill as many animals as they have in the past, but that’s the price of progress.

Since there’s enough land area in Texas to build 4,867,828,838 1,500-square-foot houses, and only 6,585,456,116 people in the world, what’s all this I hear about overpopulation? Less than half of those houses would have two people in them.

Does my distant relation to the Kennedy clan entitle me to get away with one murder? Or do I have to marry the Austrian?

Word on the street is that Mitt Romney is considering Jeb Bush as his running mate. With Liberals being rabidly allergic to the Bush family, and Conservatives tired of being lied to by them, Mitt has foregone his foot, and is shooting directly into his skull. Does he not know that such a pairing would guarantee a Democratic victory in 08?

Word on the street is that Al Gore is considering a third-party candidacy in the Green party. This is the same party that drained his votes in 2000, remember. Does Gore hate the Clintons enough to go through with it, or is he courting the Democratic primary? Does he not know that by joining the Greens, he would guarantee a Republican victory in 08?

There is a lot of concern lately over the aggressive and nihilistic tendencies of Internet users, particularly in cases of death threats towards political bloggers. The anonymity inherent in the ‘net allows people to forego the societal conventions of decorum and propriety, and basically exposes humanity for the assholes they really are. When did people become so thin-skinned that they are driven to threaten bodily harm to someone that disagrees with them?

With the fact that Bush can’t whisper in an ear without the entire conversation ending up on the front page of the New York Times, can anybody really believe that his administration could secretly carry out any of the conspiracies that are laid at his feet?

Speaking of conspiracies, blowing up the levees during hurricane Katrina was only the first stage of the plan to destroy New Orleans. Was getting Ray Nagin reelected the final stage, or can we expect something else?

New York City is going ahead with a plan to give cash incentives to the poor for good school attendance and other metrics. I guess the $1 trillion we’ve already spent on the War on Poverty just hasn’t been enough. I get cash incentives for good attendance, too. At my job. This program is based on a similar program in Mexico. Is that the economy we really want to be modeling?

The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network wants my contribution to support the Day of Silence. How much to purchase a year’s worth? The Love that Dare Not Speak Its Name has become the Love that Won’t Stop Yammering at Us.