10/25/1415 – Never Forget

A story in today’s Telegraph reads:

“A science fiction fan sparked a bomb alert, which led to 100 homes being evacuated, after reports of a man seen with a longbow.”

At first read, the headline indicates the reporter gets confused by the “Fantasy/Science Fiction” signs on the shelves at Borders, but as the story explains, police were called when the man was spotted with a longbow, and in investigating the flat, discovered items they “initially suspected could be homemade explosive devices, [but] turned out to be harmless ‘science fiction-style’ equipment.”

“Armed officers and negotiators arrived and a 36-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of possessing an offensive weapon.”

What did the police think he was going to do with a longbow? It’s not like they’re good for slaughtering French heavy cavalry or anything.

I just hope the officers were too distracted by the homemade phasers and lightsabers to check out the kitchen. As the BBC reported recently:

Doctors are calling for a ban on long pointed kitchen knives to reduce deaths from stabbing.

“A team from West Middlesex University Hospital said violent crime is on the increase - and kitchen knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.”

I vote we ban hospitals, as more than half of all preventable deaths in patients occur from nosocomial infection.

“They argued many assaults are committed impulsively, prompted by alcohol and drugs, and a kitchen knife often makes an all too available weapon.”

Along with hammers, pencils, wrenches, heavy brass candlesticks, and large geode bookends – and that’s just the stuff on my computer desk.

“The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to be publicly available at all. They consulted 10 top chefs from around the UK, and found such knives have little practical value in the kitchen.”

Most of the gadgets in my kitchen have little practical value. I’m looking at you, Ron Popeil. I’m thinking the 10 top chefs are full of shit. Turn on Food Network at random and chances are, someone’s using a big honkin’ knife.

“Home Office spokesperson said there were already extensive restrictions in place to control the sale and possession of knives.”

That is a distinctly Orwellian title.

"‘The law already prohibits the possession of offensive weapons in a public place, and the possession of knives in public without good reason or lawful authority’”

But where is “good reason” defined? I carry a Swiss Army knife everywhere because I might need to open a box, tighten a screw, cut a thread or open a bottle of wine. It also has a large blade and an awl that could do some damage if I made the effort. Does the potential for violence outweigh the many practical applications? And isn’t that a judgment call on my personality rather than the tools I own?

"‘Offensive weapons are defined as any weapon designed or adapted to cause injury, or intended by the person possessing them to do so.’”

If it’s a weapon, of course it’s designed to cause injury. That’s their purpose! I also like the “intentions” clause. Many self-defense instructors advise that you use your keys to try and blind an attacker. Should we outlaw keys next, just in case?

I’m declaring the British Empire officially dead. Hey, France, if you want to go for the tie with Agincourt 2.0, now’s your chance.