Wanted: Animator

I have no artistic skills, but if I did, I'd do a cartoon short of this scene:

EXTERIOR: Early evening, just after sunset

WIDE SHOT - A jet flies low over the town, its lights flashing brightly in a sky where the stars are just starting to appear.

A FIREFLY enters the scene from the right, following the path of the jet. His tail is flashing in sync with the jet's lights. He is panting, but determined.

Firefly: You're mine, bitch!

How Urban Legends Get Started

The pride was on its way back from stuffing Cub and Kitten insensible on cheap buffet pizza, cruising down the back roads in Mrs. Cat’s homeschool bus. I don’t usually drive the battle wagon because it’s a pain in the tail to adjust the seats and mirrors from Midget to Normal from Diminutive to Ordinary from Wee to Regular from Hobbit to Human to fit me (sorry, dear; please stop smacking my head).

Since I didn’t have to steer, and as the tactical situation required no evasive maneuvers or manning of the cannon, I got to look at the scenery as we drove around. I noticed a box truck parked in front of a house about a mile from our local hospital. The truck had obviously seen a lot of use, as evidenced by the sun-cracked upholstery and the rust-streaked side panels. A heavy lock was hanging from the roll door at the back, much newer and shinier than anything else on the truck. On the door of the cab, a magnetic sign was placed almost as an afterthought. It read:

National Kidney Foundation

And in much smaller letters:

Pick-Up Service

I don’t even want to know what jingle that thing plays as it cruises through the neighborhoods.

Grocery Storm

One thing nobody’s mentioned about this whole “My kid is autistic” deal: shopping lists are determined by the current fixation.

Examples:

- We’ve bought Chef Boy-R-Dee minis and instant Mac-n-cheese every week for about a year now, because they’re about the only thing Cub will eat for supper. We can usually get something healthy in him for lunch, thank goodness.

- Mama Cat was recently forced to purchase an unneeded bottle of Surf detergent, because Cub wanted a beach party. I’m thrilled that he makes the connection between the two, but damn, that’s $3.78 that could have gone towards my Little Debbies and BBQ chips. What? I never said I eat healthy at lunch.

- We’ve had to abort some trips because Cub insisted that everything we buy be the same color. Do you have any idea how few blue foods there are? And how hard it is to make a decent meal out of the ones that do exist? Is a freezer pop considered a salad or a side dish?

If nothing else, having Cub around has given us lightning-fast reflexes when it comes to adapting to new situations. And we still laugh about it. You have to, because otherwise you’d go batshit insane.