Headline Hijinks

I’ve maintained that newspapers are outdated. I recently cancelled my home delivery because I get all of my news, movie/TV listings, and job postings online. Plus, their comics weren’t funny (honestly, who reads Family Circus?).

Part of the problem is that newspapers are so old-fashioned in their use of language. They’d certainly never get an NC-17 rating like some blogs I know. Simple words and sentences; dry stories in the inverted pyramid style; boring headlines.

For instance, an article today was headlined Local company lays off more workers. How boring. How uninspired. It tells you something without being informative at all. This happens to be a trucking company they’re referring to, so why not Long haul not so long for some or East bound and (shut) down? Insensitive? Maybe. But it’s a hell of a lot catchier.

Here are some alternate headlines for other layoff stories – some new, some older.

Planned Parenthood exercises freedom of choice, aborts 20% of staff
Women and children not hit hardest

http://www.crainsnewyork.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2009901099982


Excellence in Motivation loses both in layoffs
If only they’d had a poster

http://www.daytondailynews.com/b/content/oh/story/business/2008/11/26/ddn112608layoffsweb.html


Many Google employees now 404
10,000 omitted from employment search results

http://www.webguild.org/2008/11/google-layoffs-10000-workers-affected.php


Microsoft to CTRL-X 17% of workforce
Now Vista will never be fixed

http://www.fudzilla.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=11142&Itemid=38