No Tools Required

Mrs. Cat and I were surfing through Deep Cable last night, idly scanning to see if anything interesting was on (I’ll save you the suspense…no), and stumbled across two more examples of why our country is completely fucked.

First, we landed on Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?, where a gentleman who majored in Speech and worked for Army Intelligence could not identify the preposition in a sentence, and did not know which organ produced insulin. Now, I would have assumed a Speech major would have been given at least a cursory breakdown of the parts of speech along with their Rhetoric courses, but apparently knowing the difference between a proper noun and a preposition was not given a high priority when he was matriculating. And while one could argue that only diabetics and the doctors that treat them need to know that the pancreas produces insulin, I would hope that if an order ever came down for the Army to storm the Isles of Langerhans, someone would say “Yeah…about that…”.

The second incident occurred on Tool Academy. If you’re unfamiliar with it, the show gathers together a number of men who apparently learned all they know about how to treat women by watching porn, and tries to reform them. Sort of a Guido/Playa version of My Fair Lady (for the visual learners) or Pygmalion (for the lit crowd). I would argue the mere existence of this show is another indicator of the coming collapse, but more specifically, the segment we subjected ourselves to had a female coach explaining to the guys about attitudes that women found desirable in a mate, and how this particular batch of testosterone junkies were lacking in these attributes. The exchange:

Coach: “You need to learn humility. Do you know what ‘humility’ means?”
Neanderthal: “Uh…humor?”

At this point, my brain ejected a goodly portion of my remaining IQ points in an effort to save enough memory to restore baseline bodily functions once the program had ended.

Hate to break it to you, Studly, but women do not want a guy that makes them laugh above all else, despite what Jessica Rabbit says. Oh, and humility does not mean humor, you ignorant troglodyte! Read a fucking book every once in a while! Your erstwhile mate might want the reassurance that you won’t be a bouncer for the rest of your life.


He makes me laugh. And he has a large…vocabulary.

I’ll admit to tapping into some residual high school nerd-rage, where the beautiful people hooked up irrespective of GPA, but I’m also decidedly Southern when it comes to how I treat women. Libbers hate it, but a sense of chivalry still exists in the South, and my mother would make a concerted effort to return from the Other Side and haunt me if I treated women the way some of these boys do.

And apparently I’m not the only one that feels this way, given the popularity of this site .

Yes, I know there are many self-esteem issues certain types of women work through (or don’t) by dating these slabs of flesh unsullied by anything resembling original thought. Mrs. Cat has a choice list of terms for those kinds of women, which I won’t repeat because of the aforementioned threat of maternal poltergeist activity.

Because I’m smarter than a fifth grader, don’cha know.