Time is on my side (yes it is).

There’s a button on my microwave labeled “Stop Time.” The thing that intrigues me is there’s no corresponding “Start Time” button, which you would expect if its function was to run the cooking cycle over a particular time period.

The microwave was here in the house when we moved in, and we don’t have the manual, so I’m not sure how Kenmore engineered the oven. Does it stop subjective time or actual time? Is it just for the person that presses the button, or for everyone? Is it an instant effect, or is there a gradual slowing down while inertia is compensated for?

Now, it wouldn’t make sense to stop time for everyone, because then it could never be started again, (which would negatively impact Kenmore’s profit margin), so I’m assuming that it stops time relative to the person pressing the button. The fact that there is no “Start Time” implies some built-in limit to the event – perhaps the LED screen runs a countdown – which further implies the microwave itself is immune to the effects, or else it wouldn’t be able to measure the elapsed time. If this is the case, we must be missing some parts, because there is no obvious way to ground the static electricity and dissipate the friction heat you’d build up moving around in a stopped-time world. If such a device was never included, I’m really surprised they got the thing UL-listed, because that’s very dangerous.

Knowing that engineers look for the easiest way to achieve the desired results, I’m assuming the microwave just speeds up the person pressing the button, rather than attempting to stop every other piece of matter in the universe. If that’s the case, I would hope the effect has a generous time limit, because you’d have to walk everywhere you wanted to go. On the other hand, it runs off a plain old 120 outlet (impressive!), so I guess you could take it wherever you wanted to use it. My car has a 120 outlet built in, so I could theoretically create a time machine as long as the effect can be extended to non-living matter. If not, the chemical reactions that power the car would be too slow for me to realistically use it for travelling. I don’t want to just sit there waiting for the fuel to combust under the pistons.

I’d like to think I’d use this power responsibly, if only because it would be tough to use it for crime. Even if I wanted to clean out the local banks, I’d have to wait until every door was open – front door, the hall door that leads to the vault, and the vault door itself. What are the odds of that? And the typical loser geek fantasy of finally having your way with the head cheerleader is right out. If you build up dangerous amounts of friction just by walking around, you’d definitely combust during any sort of sexual act. Even mugging people on the street wouldn’t be worth the effort. The way the economy is these days, no one is carrying any serious cash. I suppose I could take whatever I wanted from the local stores, but again, the static buildup would destroy any expensive electronics when the time flow was restored.

Maybe I won’t push the button after all. Doesn’t seem worth it.

Maybe I’m just really overthinking this.