The quickest way to your heart is through your rib cage.

Being a homeschooling family, we get all kinds of catalogs and e-mails for books, supplies, field trip packages, and support resources. Most of these are run-of-the-mill, though there are some cool items like robotic kits and off-hour zoo visits.

Then there are the really bizarre items.

For the low, low cost of $20 per student (eight student minimum), homeschooling families can engage the services of a mobile dissection lab. You fill out the form, deciding what experiments you want for the kids - dissecting various animal eyeballs, for example, or opening up a pig or cat (Hey!) – and the company trucks out all of the necessary equipment.

Being in a part of the South where people sell meat out of a freezer on their truck, I pictured:

A rusting old Ford pickup pulls up in the yard. It’s been lifted, and the new radials crush an azalea bush that was too small to be seen over the hood. The force of the dual pipes knocks a garden gnome off the rock where it was mooning passers-by, and the noise of the big diesel engine scatters a flock of crows from the power lines overhead. Mud is splattered down the sides of the truck, with heavier concentrations at each wheel-well. The dirt and spots of primer stand in sharp contrast to the bright chrome of the roll-bar, which sports a number of very large spotlights. A couple of rifles are visible in the window-mounted rack behind the seats, and the “N.R.A.” and “#3” stickers catch the early-morning light. A scruffy guy in a camouflage jumpsuit gets out and adjusts his John Deere ball cap. He spits a stream of tobacco juice into the grass, then ambles to the back of the truck. He pulls a folding table out of the bed and sets it up. A few hunting knives are tossed onto the table as the families start to gather around. The driver goes back to the truck. Dropping the tailgate, he asks one of the dads to give him a hand in carrying a deer over to the table.

“I know y’all was expectin’ a pig, but they done fixed th’ fence out by th’ mill pond. Lucky I bagged this baby las’ night.”

He steps to the passenger side of the cab, and retrieves a promotional nylon gym bag blazoned with the name of a local brick manufacturer. The zipper is stuck together with some unidentifiable industrial compound, but the cheap nylon has pulled away from the seam on one side, so the bag is still serviceable. He pulls out a worn spiral notebook with AC/DC on the cover, and his lips move as he flips through the pages, scanning for the lesson plan. A few pages fall out, their tattered edges fluttering. The dew on the grass spots the paper, washing out the penciled notes. While he tries to decipher his own handwriting, the families eye the carcass nervously.

***

Needless to say, we will not be using this particular service. I see no reason for students to dissect anything or anyone unless and until they are in medical school; that’s what illustrations are for. I dissected a worm and a frog in high school, and all I learned was that it’s really hard to wash the smell of formaldehyde off your hands.

Also, it’s not as fun when the nose doesn’t light up with a BUZZZZ!