I do not drink...whine.

I saw where IFC is putting together their first film production, which will be based on Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series.

This is all well and good, but they’re only going to be able to film the first four or five out of the sixteen that are in the series, because they go from Urban Mythology/Chick-Lit Horror straight to S&M porn. Seriously.

Several of my friends were reading the series along with me, and I actually made it further than they did. All the sex was getting very distracting, but Hamilton kept introducing interesting ideas on the paranormal side, like the gestational period for lycanthropes (it depends on what flavor animal you are), and I wanted to see how she developed them.

That all ended with the last one I read…Harlequin, maybe? No lie, the first five pages have a light sprinkling of plot, and are followed by twenty-five pages of porn. I stopped reading after the first few pages and just started skimming, waiting for the actual story to start, but I got fed up with it and quit.

If these books are available on Kindle, I’d expect a wakka-cha-waah-waah soundtrack to play along. As one of my friends put it:

“I won’t read another one unless the title of the damn thing is Contains No Porn.”

It’s kind of a shame. Hamilton isn’t the best writer, but she’s not the worst by any stretch, and her world was a fun place to explore for a while. Anita was an interesting character. She had her faults, but she also had her code. As she’s overcome her faults, she’s also whittled away at her code, and now she’s just a supra-natural slut who’s boring and complains too much.

Obviously, the whole vampire mystique is based on sex. True Blood had sex, Dracula had sex, The Lost Boys had a Rob Lowe poster in a teenaged boy’s closet (!), Lifeforce had sex – it’s nothing new. But when the focus of your novels goes from “Which monster do I need to take out first?” to “Which monster do I want to take me first?”, you’re no longer writing Horror.

How the hell…

did I fuck that up?

So I’m cooking dinner tonight – making breakfast – and am just humming right along: the pancakes are light and golden brown; the biscuits are flaky and steaming; the eggs are fluffy and buttery. In the midst of this culinary coup, I check on the bacon, which was sizzling along nicely…turning that dark reddish brown that signifies perfect crispness is about to be perpetrated.

I bend down to slide the pan of biscuits out of the oven and when I straighten up, the formerly-awesome little slices o’ pig are now baco-cinders billowing grease-laden smoke into the air.

I don’t know if I went to sleep, got temporary amnesia, or one of the kids accidentally hit the Stop Time button on the microwave, but there’s apparently about three minutes I can’t account for, since that’s how long it takes to go from “way crispy” to “activated charcoal.”

I’ve cooked bacon on electric ranges, gas stoves, and open campfires, and have never done that before. On one memorable occasion, I even cooked an entire breakfast on a flat piece of tin over a candle for my Ptomaine merit badge and didn’t burn anything (didn’t eat any of it, either).

I chucked them out the back door, but started wondering: does that increase my carbon footprint because I created some, or does the creation offset my personal output because I’ve replaced it?

Tarnished Bronze

I just finished reading Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze by Kenneth Robeson, and frankly, they just don’t write them like that anymore.

This is a good thing.

As much as I enjoy good pulp, this story was just…was just…wow.

First off, Doc is perfect, up to and including the fact that rain doesn’t adhere to his skin or hair. He is the smartest, fastest, strongest, etc. etc. This does not make for an interesting hero. If you can never be beaten, never be tricked, never be stopped, where is the drama? Where is the danger? Yes, I realize these novels are the literary equivalent of cotton candy, but still.

Then there’s the team; the five guys that Doc picked up that are the second-most experts in their respective fields (the first being Doc, naturally). Their entire raison d'être is to marvel about how awesome Doc is. The author also apparently lost his thesaurus along the way, because he only ever uses one adjective to describe each of the team members; “waspish Ham” or “puritanical Renny,” for example.

Suspension of disbelief is critical when you read Adventure pulp, but even so, the author has to maintain a world the reader can believe in within the context of the novel, and Robeson doesn’t.

The friend who lent the book to me opined that it was impossible to describe how bad it really is, but I think I can. From page 157:

“Upward wound the underground stream.”

Laying aside the fact that the sentence begins with the adverb, the implication is that the water is flowing uphill. With such a basic violation of physics so casually presented, can the rest of the book be any better?

(The answer is “no,” by the way.)

All Smug in Their Beds

Sorry I’m posting late tonight, dear readers; I was participating in Earth Hour and couldn’t find my way back into the house without the lights on.

I know many of you may be surprised that I, a big manly Tomcat who has previously shown nothing but disdain for the environmental movement, would actively participate in such an event, but I’m a sucker for purely symbolic actions that do nothing towards actually achieving what they’re supposed to achieve. It allows me to be a total wastrel the other 8,759 hours in the year, but still feel good about having “done my part.” I don’t feel hypocritical at all, and feelings are what it’s all about these days.

I love the fact that even if a billion people participate in Earth Hour, it would only save the equivalent of six seconds’ worth of China’s carbon output – however the fuck they’re measuring carbon output these days. Are we still hung up on CO2, or are we converting it to grams of the pure element now?

I saw an amusing article that noted how many people used candles during Earth Hour, and demonstrated mathematically that candles are worse for the environment than a 40-watt bulb. I (heart) cogent and logical thought.

Pebble bed reactors. Look them up. We have the technology and the skills to implement them right now. The effects would be immediate. The savings would be impressive. The pollution would be negligible.

I guarantee you that no one in government clamoring about the “Grid” or “Energy Independence” would give it even a passing thought, because those are not their actual goals. Power (not the grid kind) is what they're really after. As I’ve stated before: If they solved problems, they would be out of a job. They’d rather whip the sheep into pointless exercises like Earth Hour to prove how committed they are to the cause.

Talk about the lights being on with nobody home.

Anti M! Ante M!

I've noticed in a lot of Italian restaurants, they try to impress you by printing the names of the courses in Italian. I always get tripped up when I see "Antipasta" instead of "Antepasta."

I looked it up, and several dictionaries claim that either version is correct, but they're wrong; they're two completely different prefixes.

"Anti" means "against" or "opposed to." Now, some people may actually be against pasta in general, but since the owners of Italian restaurants don't expect to number those people as customers, they probably wouldn't name an entire course of the meal after them.

"Ante," by contrast, means "before" or "preceding." Since the dishes listed here are the ones usually served before the main dish - like a salad or soup course - it makes much more sense grammatically.

Mrs. Cat rolls her eyes at me when I start to twitch my tail and mutter at the menu, but I always get her a Hazelnut Cappuccino during dessert, so she just pats my paw and lets me bitch until the breadsticks arrive.

Keep Me in Mind

I’m reading a very interesting book called The Overflowing Brain. The author’s central premise is that our brains have remained relatively unchanged for 40,000 years, and his main question is “How does a Stone Age brain cope with the vast amounts of information in our digital world?”.

I haven’t finished the book, so I don’t yet know his answer to that question, but one part in particular jumped out at me.

Some background:

In the book The Tipping Point, the author, Malcolm Gladwell, studies “the levels at which the momentum for change becomes unstoppable,” and he states that it takes three kinds of people acting in concert: Connectors, who have “an extraordinary gift” for making friends; Mavens, who are information specialists; and Salesmen, charismatic people with powerful negotiation skills.

In the section on Connectors, he mentions that these people have very large social networks, usually numbering around 150 people. Gladwell further states that 150 is about the maximum number of people you can maintain deep social ties with (this is defined as people whose birthdays, interests, favorite movies, etc. you know and keep up with – not just knowing their names).

The reason this was called to mind is that in The Overflowing Brain, the author asks why the Cro-Magnon brain was so large, since they didn’t have the amount of information to deal with that modern man does. A theory was suggested that it was used for keeping track of social interactions. The study that was consequently carried out seemed to bear out this theory. It was discovered that the smaller the cortical area (the part we use for processing information and memory) in relation to the total size of the brain, the smaller the social circle maintained by the animal (in this case, primates). According to the chart generated by the research, modern man’s cortical area can support a social network of about 150 people.

I thought that was cool: Our brain size determines the number of close friends we keep.

So next time someone wants to send you a friend request on Facebook, tell them your brain is full.

Doing our part to fight the recession

I’ve mentioned before that the palatial Cat estate (Bad Manors) is an older home. Consequently, we are updating sections as time/resources allow. The electrical systems were all replaced last summer, and we are now starting to tackle the plumbing. We had one company come out today to give us an estimate on the work we want done.

“How much?”
He tells us again.
“I’m sorry…it sounded like you said - - - .”
He confirms it.
“No no…I didn’t want to buy any black tar heroin, I just want the faucet replaced.”
He circles the number.
“This is just to get the water heater to code? This doesn’t include any sex acts?”
The price goes up.
“We’ll let you know.”

Boy…am I in the wrong business.

***

You’re slipping, dear readers. I give you an awesome allusion and nobody mentions it. MacGyver worked for the Phoenix Foundation, and I used an “ashes” reference, and none of you caught it. tsk tsk tsk. The Pete thing was a gimme – the Free Space on your TeeVee Bingo card. Back to PopCulture 101 with the lot of you.

***

Speaking of MacGyver, Elle opines “you can't do ANYTHING with a paperclip, bubblegum and ducktape. Nothing.”

My first thought was to bend the clip into a hook, blow a bubble in the gum for a bobber, and tear the tape into strips for a line. Fishing pole.

My second thought was to straighten the clip and add a small ball of the gum to one end. Roll the tape into a tube. Blowgun.

I was sure there were many more options, so I asked the internet. Here’s what it had to say:

DogSoldier says:
Fuck you, NOOB!

TotalHottie97 says:
Your posts is most funny! Visit me and my friends at teendreemz.xxx!

YesWeCan976458751 says:
GOP=Hitler!!!!11!

Adbot says:
Get 90% off V1agra!

Toomuchfreetime says:
Who cares about mcguyver anyway their making a a-team movie hell yaeah!! They would kick macgyvers ass ther van was cooler than that stupid jeep he alwsys drove and they had guns.

So there you have it.

From the Ashes of Childhood

The networks are apparently upset that President Obama keeps interrupting their prime-time schedules (Doesn’t the man know this is sweeps week?).

I wonder if they’d be more upset to learn that I couldn’t name a single show that had been pre-empted.

I didn’t watch the address, because I figure someone will download the TelePrompTer script onto their website by tomorrow morning.

With the national economy in turmoil, the President asking Congress for the power to seize any financial institution, unemployment soaring, stocks falling, and basically the whole situation looking sort of “handcart-ish,” at least we’ve got one thing we can rally around:

The creator of “MacGyver” has a movie production deal.

There is no word yet on who will play Angus MacGyver, or his mullet. I think Richard Dean Anderson could still bust it out if given the chance (the role, not the mullet). I think an older, tougher Mac would work for today’s world. There was way too much smiling going on in the television show. These were secret agents, for Pete’s sake (Get it? Pete? His boss?...Hello?). It’s not known for being a laff-a-minute gig. A solemn Mac would more accurately reflect current geopolitical realities, I think.

The creator of the show, Lee David Zlotoff, recently gave an interview where he hedged on the return of Mac’s ever-present Swiss Army knife. Zlotoff was himself carrying an SAK equipped with a flash drive, and he agreed that it was the kind of thing the new MacGyver would employ, but also stated the Leatherman tools were strong contenders because they had a pliers, whereas the standard SAKs did not.

I think he should carry both, personally, along with the flattened roll of duct tape in his back pocket and his “strike anywhere” matches. As long as he doesn’t carry a gun. That was an unbending rule in Mac’s world, and that needs to stay. I also think they should ignore the temptation of referencing the tired “Nuclear Reactor & the Bubblegum” thing.

There are a lot of ways they could mess this up, but as long as they keep Shia Labeouf away from it, I’ll probably go see it. I’d actually like to see a grittier MacGyver, packed with all of the things they couldn’t show on television.

A thought just occurred to me…MacGyver/Rorschach.

Discuss.

Daywalkers

One of the major advantages of being a freelance writer is the fact that you get to set your own schedule. People hire you and generally don’t worry about when it gets done, as long as you hit your milestones on the schedule you’ve agreed on.

One of the major disadvantages of being a freelance writer is the fact that the people that hire you generally have to attend early morning meetings about the project, and sometimes want you to join in via conference call.

Now, I’m a night owl. Always have been. I generally start getting creative around 10:00 PM, and do some of my best work in the wee hours. Conversely, that means I am not at all human in a 9:00 AM meeting because that’s about three hours before my preferred wake-up time.

I usually tell my clients that it’s easier to get hold of me in the afternoon, and let them think I’m beavering away at massive piles of work all morning. As long as they get their proof by Friday, does it really matter if I’m drooling onto my pillow until brunch?

But you get those clients that insist on an early-morning update, so I have to suck it up and work on their schedule, even though I know that if I called them at 2:30 AM to let them know the new ad was finished and would they like to hear it, they’d probably be a mite pissed.

It’s not fair. The world’s work schedules revolve around early risers, and everybody’s bought into it. Think about it, the only things open at 4:00 AM are cheap greasy spoons and dodgy convenience stores. You can’t get copies made, buy stamps or any of a hundred other things that office-dwellers take for granted.

Yeah, they may be making deals and hitting sales targets while I’m still snoring, but I’m whipping out deathless prose and eye-catching brochures while they’re staring – unseeing – at some infomercial way up in Deep Cable while waiting for the Ambien to kick in. One way is no more noble or productive than the other, so why do so many people think it is?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

And I much prefer cheese.

Scanning the headlines

Well that was money well-spent

The United States is prepared to discuss the establishment of a political party for the Taliban in Afghanistan, a U.S. diplomat says.

http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/03/22/Taliban_political_party_being_considered/UPI-68201237732734/

***

But but but…they said it was based on a true story

The movie, "A Haunting in Connecticut," doesn't open until Friday, but curious fans are already making a beeline for the Southington home that inspired the movie.

"It's just been really, really stressful," said Susan Trotta-Smith, who bought the home 10 years ago with her husband. "It's been a total change from a very quiet house in a very quiet neighborhood to looking out the window and seeing cars stopping all the time. It's been very, very stressful, and sometimes worrisome."

The family has never seen anything unusual inside their five-bedroom, two-family white wood-frame house and does not believe the property was haunted.

http://www.kwgn.com/pages/landing_national/?Horror-film-draws-unwanted-visitors-to-C=1&blockID=246234&feedID=23

***

Did we not have enough words already?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/03/22/BUCT16ES6B.DTL

What the fuck does that mean, anyway?

***

Correction

AIG did not pay their executives $165 million as was previously reported.

It was actually $218 million.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29812224/

We could probably make up some of that money by selling hunting licenses.

***

For those of you who didn’t have enough to obsess over

http://www.anorak.co.uk/media/204690.html

Just when I think humanity can’t get any crazier, they prove me wrong. God bless ‘em.

HTM-Hell

Here’s the question of the day, faithful readers:

How do you tell someone their website sucks pond water?

There’s a member of the family that owns his own business, and of course, has a website to promote it. I went to look at the site out of curiosity, and was blown away by how terrible it was. I mean, here’s a guy whose business depends on meticulous attention to detail and state-of-the-art components, and his site looks like it was thrown together by randomly picking items from the “Fun Extras!” menu in Front Page. Seriously, it looks like something you’d put together for your Intro to Websites class in middle school.

No, I won't give you a link.

I so want to go to him and say “Dude…you’re a member of the family and I love you, but you’re making us all look bad. Let me fix this for you.”

How do you do that without causing major family friction?

I’m thinking of having a web designer I know just go ahead and put something together. I’d do the copy and redesign his logo (which is also shudder-inducing), then just give it to him as a gift.

I dunno. Could go either way. Much more thinking required.

Dead-pan Humor

Living next to a cemetery, and having a decidedly skewed sense of humor, often provides Mrs. Cat and me wholly inappropriate amusement.

For instance, we saw a procession leave the funeral home across from the cemetery, and rather than make a simple right-hand turn to get into the graveyard, they took a very circuitous route around the entire neighborhood to come in at the lower entrance.
“Wonder why they made it so complicated, and blocked progress on six streets instead of just one,” I mused.
“Must’ve been a politician,” she replied.

Then there was the couple we saw wandering up and down the grounds sort of randomly.
“I would have sworn we put her right here,” said Mrs. Cat.
“Beside the black marble headstone? I thought we were closer to the crypt than that,” I supplied.
“Yeah, don’t you remember? There was a big pile of dirt nearby… I don’t see it anymore, though.”
“Look, just stick the flowers anywhere. Who’s gonna know? Shirl’s past caring, and I’m freezing my ass off. We’ll tell your mom we had a nice visit. Come on; let’s go get some tacos.”

One night we heard a small aircraft flying close by, with what sounded like engine trouble.
“Hope they don’t come down next door,” Mrs. Cat said.
Me, switching to announcer voice: “Authorities have recovered 217 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as the night goes on. The pilot and passenger of the craft are assisting in the recovery efforts.”

In the event we had to kill an intruder:
“Would we really have to call the cops?” she wondered. “I mean, we’ve got a garden.”
“I think someone would notice if you dug up the rosebushes all of a sudden.”
“Well I’m not going to put them in our freezer. Ick.”
“With all the empty graves we have to choose from? Dexter would be so disappointed in you.”
“Oh! Good idea!”

On trying to wake me up in the morning:
“If you’re going to be that hard to wake up, you should be sleeping next door.”

On her birthday present:
Me, looking next door: “You like flowers, don’t you?”
“You’re sick. And a cheapskate.”

During the last storm, the house across from us was having some electrical issues, with lights flipping on and off. The house is empty, and the lights are on timers to discourage vandalism/theft. Apparently the storm had messed up their timing, so it was quite the light show. I was staring at it, trying to figure out the pattern (don’t you say a word), when Mrs. Cat grabbed me by the shoulders and mock yelled “You only moved the headstones!”

We were discussing how much safer we felt in this neighborhood as compared to our last one, when Mrs. Cat said “except for the coming zombie apocalypse, of course. When that happens, we are so screwed.”
“I don’t think so,” I said. “I imagine it’s like living next to a prison. If someone escapes, their first thought is to get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible. They’re not going to stop in for a chat.”
“Would zombies think that way, though?” she asked. “Or would they want a snack before they go shambling around?”
“Not sure. That’s why we have the shotgun.”
“Did you load it with salt?”
“Of course not. I’m not trying to season them, for God’s sake.”

Yes We Can! (ignore the Constitution)

Today, the House passed a bill imposing a 90% tax on bonuses paid to employees with family incomes above $250,000 at companies that have received at least $5 billion in bailout funding. The bill is retroactive back to January 1, 2009.

This is obviously levied at AIG, since there has been great public outrage over their recently-disclosed $165 million bonuses.

One new point I saw in the article was this gem:

“About 400 AIG employees and future employees received bonuses”

Future employees?!? Those fuckers are paying out bonuses to people who don’t even work for them? These assholes need to die by inches. They are too fucking irresponsible and too fucking impertinent to be allowed to continue polluting our planet. Every fucking dime should be taken away from them before they’re kicked out of their offices. Through the windows.

Now…obviously I agree with the spirit of the penalty tax (and make no mistake, it is a punishment), but there’s just one teeny little problem:

The Constitution forbids it.

Specifically, Article 1; Section 9; clause 3, which states “No bill of attainder or ex post facto Law shall be passed.”

[A bill of attainder is an act of legislature declaring a person or group of persons guilty of some crime and punishing them without benefit of a trial.

An ex post facto law (from the Latin for "after the fact") is a law that retroactively changes the legal consequences of acts committed or the legal status of facts and relationships that existed prior to the enactment of the law. In reference to criminal law, it may criminalize actions that were legal when committed.]

Not a whole lot of wiggle-room there, Congress. While the clauses immediately before and after Clause 3 have an “unless” mitigating their directives, Clause 3 ends with a nice, clear period. You can’t do it.

This hasn’t stopped our public serpents, though. The House passed it 328-93, a similar bill is in the Senate, and Obama has expressed support for "the idea."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Botox) said “"We want our money back now for the taxpayers. It isn't that complicated."

First off, plastic girl, it ain’t your money; it’s ours. Secondly, you only want it back because of the backlash against Congress, which should have been aware of the forthcoming bonuses, but which also stripped out language in the first money-grab bill that would have prevented the bonuses in the first place. You’re trying to save face, which is ironic since your face will be perfectly preserved long after the rest of you has crumbled into dust.

While the House is only stealing 90% of the bonuses, Charles Rangel (D-Ends justify Means), chairman of the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee, said he expected local and state governments to take the remaining 10%. What he’s really saying is that he hopes those levels of Government are as corrupt and punitive as the House is.

This administration is showing absolutely no hesitation in ignoring the Constitution in order to punish a group of people. It only took forty minutes for the House bill to pass. Think they’ll hesitate for one second when it comes to doing anything else they want to do?

As much as I loathe the directors of AIG, I sincerely hope they get a few of their attack lawyers to take this to the Supreme Court.

Everybody who voted for this bill should be stripped of their seat, because they’re too stupid to understand Constitutional limitations. Maybe with 98% of Congress joining the ranks of the unemployed, we’ll make some real progress in fixing this shit.

Fission Chips

I was doing some skimming on energy sources, mainly because I saw a reference to Tesla’s plans for providing unlimited energy, and of all of the options currently available, I still think nuclear power is the way to go.

Comparing production costs per kilowatt-hour:

Solar=30.5 cents
Petroleum= 10.26 cents
Wind/Biomass= 7.5 cents
Gas= 6.78 cents
Hydro= 4.4 cents
Coal= 2.47 cents
Nuclear= 1.76 cents


Worldwide, the US has the most plants in operation – 104. We get about 23% of our electricity from them. With the obvious advantage in production costs, reduced pollution, and the reduced reliance on foreign oil, you’d think we’d be scrambling to build more plants, right? Know how many nuclear plants are currently being built in the U.S.?

One.

One? What the fuck? Why aren’t we throwing every bulldozer we can find at building these things? We should be stamping them out like Legos. But no, some people have decided that exposing the public to even a blueprint for a nuclear plant will lead to smoking wastelands populated by mutants, so they have pitched fits, blocked sites, protested plans, and generally acted like assholes whenever one has been proposed.

Know how many nuclear plant accidents the U.S has had?

One.

Yep. Good ol’ Three Mile Island almost melted down forty years ago, pissing a small amount of radioactivity into the atmosphere, and ever since then, people have been skittish over nuclear power. But have you ever looked at how the accident happened?

1. A fairly routine blockage occurred in one of the plant’s water filters.
2. Moisture leaked into the air system, inadvertently tripping two valves, which shut off the flow of cold water into the steam generator.
3. Someone had also closed the valves on the backup system. Nobody knows who or why.
4. The indicator in the control room showing that the backup valves were closed was blocked by a tag hanging from the switch above it.
5. The second backup system – a pressure-relief valve – stuck open instead of closing.
6. The gauge in the control room that monitored the status of the relief valve malfunctioned.

What do you think the odds are of this sort of sequence happening again? Six minor (in and of themselves) events stacking up in just that way. Several million-to-one? Keep in mind the state of computer monitoring systems today, the engineering changes precipitated specifically by this occurrence, and the fact that we’ve all seen the opening sequence to The Simpsons.

But you can’t talk about odds with people who have adopted a cause. They won’t settle for anything less than a 100% guarantee that there will never be an accident, which just isn’t feasible. It’s that reason it takes twenty-five years to get a new plant built. An entire generation between proposal and ribbon-cutting.

What are the odds of that changing any time soon? Obama has stated that nuclear power is “not a panacea for US energy woes,” but is worth considering. He wants safer ways of using it first, though.

Forty years. 104 plants. One accident. How much safer does he want it?

Even Mr. Global Warming himself, Al Gore, isn’t completely opposed to nuclear power. However, he does think "[t]hey're so expensive, and they take so long to build, and at present they only come in one size: extra large…And people don't want to make that kind of investment in an uncertain market for energy demand."

“Uncertain market for energy demand”? Have you even looked at the amount of juice your little bungalow in Tennessee sucks down, Al? Multiply that by the world.

Then there are the environmentalists that insist carbon emissions from nuclear plants are “significant.” Uhhh…the fuel contains no carbon, the water used as a coolant contains no carbon, and the byproduct – really hot water (steam) – contains no carbon. What fucking carbon emissions?

The biggest problem with nuclear power is waste disposal. According to people much smarter than me, Yucca Mountain in Nevada is a perfect site for disposal, but wouldn’t you know it, ol’ Harry Reid keeps blocking them.

I would have expected a state that elects Reid to be used to hazardous fallout.

Soylent Green and Seeing Red

I’ll go ahead and jump on the bandwagon of those lambasting the SciFi network for changing its name. Their marketing droids think “SyFy” is catchier, as the people they interviewed said that was how they texted the name of the channel.

Oh sure, change the entire brand based on how someone texts your name. That’s really fucking smart. Not to mention that it calls to mind syphilis (as a matter of fact, someone has already registered syfyl.us specifically for people to bitch about the name change).

I’m against the change for a number of reasons. SciFi stands for something, whereas SyFy means nothing. They’re also changing their tagline from the short and sweet “IF” to the grammatically horrid “Imagine Greater.” “IF” was perfect. Not only did it mirror the “FI” part of their name, but it’s the central theme of all science fiction. “Imagine Greater” is so broad it’s meaningless. And you’d think a network that wanted to be text-friendly would stick to a two-letter tag rather than increasing the length by 700%.

Not that I really expect anything different from them at this point. These are the same brilliant decision-makers that brought in Bonnie Hammer from Lifetime, who has publicly stated that she hates science-fiction.

This is also the same network that puts wrestling in a prime-time slot, finances execrable original movies instead of showing classics, and runs every B horror movie they can steal from their parent company (and not the good kind of B movies, either). And while other networks order up thirteen episodes of shows to fill out a season, SciFi shows them in runs of eight episodes, then breaks for six months.

The current president, Dave Howe, said of the backlash:

“Our core audience will use it an opportunity to question our motives, they always do."

I don’t know which South American B-school diploma mill you sent your SASE to, Dave, but if your core audience is always questioning your motives, maybe you’re…oh…I don’t know…alienating them.

Dumbass.

When cable started, the pitch was that it would be a "magazine rack" of special interest channels. The Learning Channel, The History Channel, The Golf Channel. As time goes on, though, the networks are becoming homogenized, offering the same crappy “reality” shows and low-rent makeover specials.

When was the last time you saw a music video on Music Television, something decidedly highbrow on Bravo, a movie more than twenty years old on Turner Classic Movies, or an orchestral performance on Arts & Entertainment? That’s one reason these channels are rebranding themselves, because if your name means nothing, you can show whatever you want.

It’s a damn shame. SF geeks are already proficient with using computers to find the content they want to watch; this is just giving them all the more reason to ignore the TV. SciFi could have filled an entire calendar year with all of the great (and not so great) science-fiction shows of yesteryear. Shows like The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits, Buck Rogers and Manimal, Lost in Space and Misfits of Science. How about the serials like Flash Gordon, or the movies like Them!? Is the MST3K back catalog really that expensive?

But they chose to show wrestling.

At 10:00 P.M.

On a channel for geeks.

Riiiiight.

I actually hope this is the first part of them killing the channel entirely, because it would be painful to watch it limping along after so promising a start. They’d have a hard time justifying to their advertisers why their supposed target audience is no longer there. Because remember, networks are paid by advertisers, not you. The channel sells your viewership to the advertisers.

You are not the customer.

You're the product.

Bubbles in the Brain

IQ; UQ; We all Q!

So I’m feeling a little bummed today. Y’see, I’m reading this book called Outliers, and one section discusses innate genius. The example is a man who blew the top out of the standard IQ test – he was literally off of their charts – and had to be given another one developed specifically to measure IQs above the range of the standard test. He got every question right except this one: Teeth is to Hen as Nest is to…?

Now, I knew the answer as soon as I read the question, and that’s what brung me low. Apparently I possess the knowledge to be able to answer esoteric questions built on obscure idioms, and the skills to sort and apply them, but this doesn’t translate into people beating down my door to hire me. (I’m not claiming that I would do as well on the rest of the test, by the way – pride goeth and all that; this just happened to be a question I could answer.)

***

Famous Cats in History

Saw this blog post today:

The Cat who started the Civil War

After General Nathanial Greene’s death, a young Yale University graduate, Eli Whitney, came to Savannah to take a tutoring job. Whitney began working for Greene’s widow, Catharine, and it was at Mulberry Grove that Whitney invented the cotton gin, the machine that revolutionized the production of cotton.

In fact, Whitney met Mrs. Greene on a ship from Rhode Island to Georgia when he was moving to take the teaching job and she was going to remarry. They struck up a friendship, and when he discovered that the pay for the teaching job was half what he had been promised, she offered to let him live at Mulberry Plantation while he decided what to do next.

At Mulberry Grove, much of the evening conversation was about the difficult economic situation plantation owners faced. At that point in US history, slavery was a dying enterprise. Slaves were expensive to keep and there was little profitable work for them to do. The market for local crops, indigo and rice would not support large plantations, and though growing cotton was a possibility, it was too expensive separating the cotton seeds from the fiber to make the crop profitable.

A few days later, Whitney was in the plantation barnyard watching a cat try to catch a chicken through a wire fence. Each time the cat would reach through the fence for the chicken, all he would bring back was a paw-full of feathers. This lit the bulb in Whitney’s imagination and he realized that folks were trying to solve the wrong problem with cotton. The solution wasn’t separating the seeds from the cotton fiber; it was separating the fibers from the seeds. He devised a screen-wire basket in which a roller with small picks would pull the fibers through the screen, leaving the seeds on the other side. This became his Cotton Engine, and it was an immediate success throughout the cotton-growing regions of the south. This drove a huge demand for field labor in Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi and led to a great transfer of slaves from Virginia and the Carolinas, greatly upsetting slave families and leading to the upheaval that led to the Civil War some sixty years later.

Had Whitney not seen that cat, who knows what would have happened in American history? This is why a cat should be credited with starting the Civil War.

It was a cute post, but ignores the fact that slavery was not the underlying cause of the War of Northern Aggression.

***

From the Mailbag

(Whose robots would you rather have send you e-mail, Tyrell’s or Skynet’s? )

While I understand and appreciate the frustration people are feeling with their elected public serpents, sentences like this:

“We believe the Federal Reserve together with the above financial elites covertly manufactured the credit and real estate bubble to enhance continued foreign investment in their Treasury debt Ponzi scheme while generating obscene profits for Wall Street at the expense of the American people.”

encroach on tinfoil hat territory. The sheer number of people that would have had to be involved in this “scheme” ensures it wouldn’t remain secret. They have a legitimate gripe, though, since we’re all losing lots of money. Apparently, they are now too poor to even be able to afford commas.

It’s easy to dismiss them as goofballs, but they at least know their way around the amendment process, wanting to convene a National Convention to avoid the rigged system that is Congress. I wish them success in a spunky, underdog kind of way, but I was immediately reminded of this quote from Neal Stephenson’s novel, Interface:

“It was just a matter of time before some politician actually became stupid enough to mention forgiving the national debt.”

Are They Hiring?

AIG will pay out $165,000,000 in bonuses to their executives. Presumably to thank them for the fine work they’ve done in posting the biggest corporate loss in history last quarter – a loss of $61,700,000,000.

AIG’s legal team states that they have a contractual obligation to make those bonus payments. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has asked the company – pretty please – if they wouldn’t mind possibly considering maybe not doing that again…if it’s okay with them.

Let’s see…no matter how the company performs, the executives still get bonuses? No wonder the Government didn’t insist on changing that when they handed over the check for $170,000,000,000; they operate the same way.

Click Here to Claim Your Prize!!!

A lot of couples argue about money, but how many argue about the formatting of the spreadsheet that tracks their budget? We’re such nerds.

***

A recent letter to the editor in our local paper has stirred up the incandescent vs CFL bulb argument. I’m trying to get people to look past their preferences and concentrate on the fact that the government is trying to mandate what kind of light bulbs we can buy.

***

You know those annoying flashing ads that pop up on the sides of web pages? Many of them seem to be political in nature. Not that they purport to affect anything in the political spectrum, but that they use current political events as a way to attract your attention. I noticed a couple of years ago that they also serve as a barometer of public opinion. The latest ad I saw asked “Do you regret voting for Obama?”. I thought that was interesting.

***

Let’s go to the mailbag!

An apparent resident of South Carolina, standing firm with the strength of conviction that can only be imparted by leaving anonymous comments on a personal blog, wrote in to offer their two cents’ worth on Sanford’s request.

“Charleston Mayor Joe Riley, Folly Beach Mayor Carl Beckmann Jr. and about 20 of the other mayors who signed a letter on its way to Sanford said that without the money, municipalities will be forced to make severe cuts in basic services. Not only will local services be curtailed, Riley said, but the state will lose prosecutors, State Law Enforcement Division agents and probation and parole officers — all of which will negatively impact public safety and quality of life.”

I’ve read the Mayors’ letter to the Governor. It’s more of the same blubbering about getting even more money from the taxpayers, with no concomitant plans to cut spending. My favorite line was when the Mayors helpfully noted that many states are creating “Stimulus Czars” to help allocate the funding. So I guess Obama was right when he said it would create jobs.

Just what we needed, more fucking bureaucrats.

Target Acquired

Saw today where the Democratic National Committee has released an ad attacking SC Governor Mark Sanford for opposing the distribution of “stimulus dollars” for his state. Not knowing the details, but firmly believing that if you’re taking flak, you must be over the target, I checked to see what the Governor was up to.

Seems he did say at one point he didn’t want the money. All of the Republicans in Congress voted against it, but I haven’t heard too many of them say they didn’t want any of it.

Now it seems that Sanford’s position has changed. He recently sent a letter to President Obama asking permission to use a quarter of the money allocated to SC for paying down the state’s debt rather than funding the programs the Feds are mandating.

One interesting point in the Governor’s letter was the observation that if the debt load wasn’t addressed, the state would be in a critical situation in 24 months. In and of itself, this isn’t anything special, but Sanford took pains to point out that his term was up in 20 months, and that while he certainly could leave it for his successor to deal with, he’d rather not.

Sanford has irritated the RINOs that constitute the majority of SC’s House since he was elected. One famous incident was his veto of a budget. He itemized each expenditure that he felt was wasteful spending, which (IIRC) took him several days.

It took the House less than an hour to override his veto and pass the budget.

The next day, Sanford showed up with two pigs under his arms and let them loose in the (newly-renovated) chambers. That’s just fun political theater. I picture wacky music playing – like “Yakkety Sax” – while fat politicians fall over each other trying to catch the pigs.

I’m figuring that Sanford is positioning himself for a run at the Oval Office in 2012, and the DNC is acting to tear him down before he can get any momentum going.

Saw this prediction:

“The Democrats will attempt to make South Carolina a national example of GOP corruption and incompetence – just like they did to Ohio. Expect the media to run stories about racist conservatives flying the Confederate flag, corrupt GOP lawmakers, and South Carolina’s 9% jobless rate. The Liberals will say Republicans use wedge issues like school prayer and gay marriage to con rural whites to vote against their economic self-interests. Expect these talking points to hit the news channels next year.”

Not that it takes the Amazing Kreskin to make fairly accurate guesses about how the Left will respond to challenges, but it will be interesting to see how much of this comes to pass.

24601

I attended a meeting for a Foundation I’m doing some copywriting work for. After I got home, I sent an e-mail to each of the attendees, telling them I was glad to have met them and that I was enjoying working with them.

I did this for two reasons: one, that’s how I was raised, and two, I’m hoping they’ll use the “Reply” function to offer me more work.

My question is: Does the selfish motive negate the social contract? Should the notes be dismissed as opportunistic, or just taken at face value? I am sincere in both reasons, which is what set me to wondering.

I’m doing the initial work pro bono for a variety of reasons: the potential for further (paid) opportunities, good karma, the fact that they’re non-profit, a family friend is involved. But again, if I’m hoping to get something out of it (which cancels out the literal meaning of pro bono), am I still allowed to claim it in my personal “Good Deeds” column?

One strong argument I could make is that I’m trying to support my family. If I don’t do everything I can to find work, I’m neglecting that mandate. That train of thought led me to consider Jean Valjean. Yes, he broke the law, but he was trying to keep his family from starving. Who wouldn’t do the same? At least I can only be accused of being less than pure in intent (so far!).

We’ve all heard that the ends justify the means, but too often it’s used to rationalize some lapse in moral standards. On the other hand, everybody acknowledges the truth of the adage “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” which can encompass everything from favoritism to nepotism. Many employment strategists state that 90% of all available jobs are never advertised. If that’s the case, you have to work your contacts; in effect, turning them into your pimps.

I’m not too worried about this, really. It was a passing thought that was fun to ponder.

Read the Watchmen graphic novel

That is all.

Random Thoughts

One of the city collection trucks in our area is labeled “Limbs Only.” I so want to paint others with ‘Heads Only” and “Torsos Only.”

***

I thought there was a recession on. You wouldn’t know it driving on I-85. Giant transfer trucks as far as the eye can see (which, given that they were surrounding me the whole time, was about thirty feet).

***

Saw a story on Myfoxdc.com about new red light cameras in Maryland, and how they were erroneously ticketing drivers that had stopped at the lights. While that didn’t surprise me, I was horrified by the mistakes in the article from this supposed twenty-year veteran journalist.

Fox 5 camera's stood at one intersection...
Your camera’s what? Oh! Did you mean “cameras?”

75 dollar citations.
Technically, every number under 100 should be written out, but if you’re going to break that rule, you definitely need a hyphen in “75-dollar.” Also, that’s an incomplete sentence, dumbass.

During a short period, the camera flashs continually went off when cars were at a complete stop. We asked one motorist, "Did you go past the red light." The unidentified driver said, "no I didn't, I'm still stopped here at the red light. If I went thru then you wouldn't be talking to me know.”
Misspelled word, incorrect punctuation, no capital letter at the beginning of a sentence, incorrect punctuation, misspelled word, incorrect word.

Seriously? This is professional journalism? This kind of laxity really pisses me off when I’m struggling to land writing gigs.

***

You know…I’ve been reading all kinds of articles on the financial crises, and most of them use “too big to fail” at some point within the story. Like AIG, for example. According to half of the articles, if we let AIG crash, it will destroy our economy. My question is: Why didn’t Congress break up AIG like it did to AT&T and Microsoft? If the failure of your company would completely devalue the dollar, you need to be reigned in.

***

It has recently come to light that Scott S. Reuben, former Chief of Acute Pain at Baystate Medical Center, was involved in fabricating twenty-one different medical studies, including studies for Bextra, Vioxx, Lyrica, Celebrex, and Effexor. While Reuben has declined to comment, his attorney has referred to “extenuating circumstances,” without going into any detail.

Extenuating circumstances? Bullshit. Nothing can justify this kind of massive irresponsibility. Dr. Rueben should have his license to practice medicine revoked, be sued into destitution, and then be shot in the head.

And Don’t Call Me Shirley

Jim Silverstein is the author of Movie Quotes to Get You Through Life. The book contains more than 2000 quotes divided into categories such as “Compliments,” “Excuses,” and “Marriage.” Richard Harris (presumably not the actor), a psychology professor at Kansas State University, recently published a study on why people quote movies.

"People are doing it to feel good about themselves, to make others laugh, to make themselves laugh." Harris also says we do it to form solidarity with others.

That makes sense. I know that conversations with certain friends consist of almost nothing but movie quotes. We use it as a form of shorthand – a way of referencing a particular emotion, absurdity, or situation without having to parse it out. Of course, sometimes we just do it to kill time.

And who hasn’t felt that thrill of elation when someone hands you the perfect straight line, allowing you to unleash a favorite quote. I walk around hoping someone will ask “Hey…where do these stairs go?” so I can quote Ghostbusters. (A: “They go up.”)

I was watching Casablanca again recently, and that movie is jammed with quotable lines. “Here’s looking at you, kid” is ranked at #5 by the American Film Institute (“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is #1), but it also gave us “I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!”, “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine”, “Round up the usual suspects” (yes, that’s where that film got its name), “We'll always have Paris”, “it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world,” “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” and my personal favorite: “Not an easy day to forget. I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.”

I’ll not get into another rant on people misquoting lines, but I will mention again how much it annoys me when people adopt a phrase from a movie trailer, bludgeoning it to death before you ever get to hear it in context, and completely killing the scene.

On the flip side, popular quotes can be mined by clever writers. This is one of my favorite commercials:

Coming soon to an HOA near you.

Bruce Lunan likes playing in the snow. He built an igloo in the backyard of his apartment complex in Saskatchewan. The igloo was a big hit with local kids, but the property management company wasn’t amused. They ordered him to tear it down because it was













(wait for it)









a fire hazard.

It's Obvious

I took the pride out today to enjoy the nice weather and noticed many buildings for sale around town. One of these was a church.

“Hey,” I said to Mrs. Cat, “wanna start a church?”

“What kind?” she asked warily. She’s seen too many Lifetime movies about creepy cult leaders that prey (ha!) on young women.

“The tax-exempt kind,” I replied. “You gutterbrain.”

I’ve been kicking it around, and I think I’ll start the Church of the Bleeding Obvious. People make things too complicated anymore. Some of them are so busy trying to make sure that nobody gets excluded from anything that nobody gets the full benefit from anything, others are actively trying to exclude folks from the benefits and power they themselves enjoy, and everyone gets pissed when their beliefs aren’t universally echoed.

(You’d think after bitching about complications I would’ve made that sentence simpler, wouldn’t you?)

No wonder everyone carps and snipes at each other. All of them insist theirs is the One True Way.

The C.B.O. would be organized around the idea that different people have different strengths and aptitudes, and would require people to use their particular talents to better their community. Not their opinions, their skills. Good at accounting? Teach your neighbors how to set up budgets. Can’t balance a checkbook but got a green thumb? Help people with their gardens. Computer geek? Get the older people off of AOL.

I know this is bordering on “stinking hippie commune” territory, but it’s not about divorcing yourself from society’s rules as a whole; it’s striking a balance between expecting the government to provide everything and trying to be completely self-sufficient.

It’s all well and good to give everyone credit for trying. That’s fine; people should be encouraged. But you can’t mandate that everyone be given the same rewards no matter their contribution and expect to get the same results as when you allow people to play to their strengths and excel.

It’s been said the last man that possessed all the skills necessary to produce a simple pencil was Leonardo da Vinci – i.e. growing the wood; producing the paint; making the graphite/lead composite; refining gum for the eraser; metalworking for the band; stamping a “2” on it. Each of these requires a large, specific body of knowledge. Our modern society has gotten even more specialized, with many different disciplines. No one can master them all. No one can even master all of the basics anymore. The more successful corporations cross-train their employees in order to create a larger skill pool. Why shouldn’t we do that in our families and social circles?

If nothing else, it will make it easier to survive the coming zombie apocalypse. People will have food, strong shelters, clean water, weapons, sniper skills, a communications network, and down-to-earth advice from the C.B.O.

Look for the neon exclamation point.

Go see Watchmen

That is all.

Riddle Me This

I’ve never really gotten into the first-person shooter games, but I love a good puzzle. I think the Myst series is one of the best out there, and I’m hoping they’ll put out a full collection pack coded for today’s operating systems. The patches that are available usually cut out some pieces of the game to expedite play.

Lately, I’ve gotten into the Mystery Case Files series from Big Fish Games. These are primarily hidden object games, where you have to find certain items concealed in a larger picture. I really admire the way these games have evolved.

When they started out, it was all cartoon-ish artwork, with static pictures and a limited storyline. The next in the series added some simple puzzles that had to be solved before the next segment was unlocked – puzzles like a slider series or a jigsaw type. The edition after that introduced background movement like falling leaves or clouds passing across the sky, as well as bringing in really elaborate door-lock puzzles. Similar to the Myst series, no explanation is given on how these puzzles work; you just have to figure them out through contextual clues. This one was also a little darker than the previous versions.

The next game added more elaborate “in-between” challenges, and further developed the storyline from the last edition. Except for more detailed artwork and a much better soundtrack, it really wasn’t too far off from the very first one. It still relied on the player choosing destinations from a bird’s-eye view map, and still treated each destination separately, meaning that once you finished that section, you left it behind.

I just played the preview for the latest chapter, and was completely blown away by the new aspects. They’ve added live-action characters, for one thing. When that’s done well, it’s always fun. You don’t get to pick different destinations from a map any longer; rather, you play through more organically – revisiting prior destinations as needed. There’s an inventory function now, and certain items you find in the “hidden object” parts are saved for unlocking clues at later parts in the game. There are two feedback systems to help you in gameplay: a journal that keeps track of important clues when you uncover them, and a letterbox screen that lets you try different objects against the puzzle, giving you helpful comments like “Did you really think that would work?” The interface has been expanded, too. Now you aren’t limited to just clicking on things, but you can zoom in on whatever grabs your attention, as well as move in different directions.

Do I sound like a fanboy yet? That’s okay. It’s a fun way to spend a few rainy hours, and the designers set it up so that you don’t get the same list of objects each time, so it stays challenging longer than it otherwise would.

I hope they keep pushing their limits. I’d enjoy seeing them come up with a completely immersive world, where the player has total freedom of movement, and each object in the game can act against any other object. Of course, Mrs. Cat is fervently praying for the opposite, because I’d never leave the house.

Gimme Shelter

Here I was, just bitching about politicians in general – not taking sides – until Elle had to go and get all snarky. :)

“It was the Republican administration at the helm for the last eight years, which explains the hole we're in.”

I know the current meme from the White House is “I inherited this mess from Bush,” but let’s go back just a tad further than eight years. The New York Times, 9-30-1999:

Fannie Mae Eases Credit To Aid Mortgage Lending

In a move that could help increase home ownership rates among minorities and low-income consumers, the Fannie Mae Corporation is easing the credit requirements on loans that it will purchase from banks and other lenders.

The action…will encourage those banks to extend home mortgages to individuals whose credit is generally not good enough to qualify for conventional loans. Fannie Mae officials say they hope to make it a nationwide program by next spring.

Fannie Mae, the nation's biggest underwriter of home mortgages, has been under increasing pressure from the Clinton Administration to expand mortgage loans among low and moderate income people and felt pressure from stock holders to maintain its phenomenal growth in profits…

In moving, even tentatively, into this new area of lending, Fannie Mae is taking on significantly more risk, which may not pose any difficulties during flush economic times. But the government-subsidized corporation may run into trouble in an economic downturn, prompting a government rescue similar to that of the savings and loan industry in the 1980's.

In July, the Department of Housing and Urban Development proposed that by the year 2001, 50 percent of Fannie Mae's and Freddie Mac's portfolio be made up of loans to low and moderate-income borrowers.

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0DE7DB153EF933A0575AC0A96F958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1

Similarly, in 2004, Bush’s HUD Department increased the target of low- and moderate-income loans to 56%. More than half of their loans were federally mandated to be at risk loans.

"Are you suggesting we "stay the course" with Bush policies?"

Not at all. I’m suggesting Government stick to their Constitutionally-mandated duties and get the fuck out of our lives. In light of the fact that they don’t seem competent to run private-sector businesses, what right do they have to regulate them?

"Obama just took over in January."

I know! Isn’t it awesome? It’s only been six weeks, and this administration has already spent more than twice as much as the total cost of the Iraq War. Plus, they’ve tripled the national deficit by overseeing the largest transfer of private wealth to government, ever. Everybody said it was a historic election. Guess they were right.

"And the opposite of progress is, in fact, REPUBLICAN."

Didn’t think I’d have to spell it out, but the opposite of progress is, in fact, Congress. Doesn’t matter if there’s a “D,” an “I,” or an “R” after their names. They’re criminally negligent, power-hungry money grabbers that justify their loathsome existence by making laws favoring their campaign contributors.

"I might need some affordable health care or good insurance, Mr. Cat."

Get government out of the medical business, and you’ll see costs go down. As it stands now, doctors and pharmaceutical labs have no reason to lower their prices if they know a government agency is going to pay them. Also, according to the government, if your car is too new you can’t qualify for Medicaid or Medicare – it counts as income. Apparently the government thinks having a nice car obviates the need for maintenance prescriptions or hospital stays.

"I need future employment."

I’d hire you, but I’m living in my magical healing car.

"I would fucking love some free tuition, too."

Every time the government throws more money at universities, their tuition curiously rises by the same percentage. I would wager that if the schools were cut off from the government teat, they’d find a way to max out their attendance – perhaps by lowering tuition?

Yes, I’m a free-market junkie. Maybe that blinds me to certain things, but I still believe it’s better than expecting the government to provide all goods and services. As they keep proving, the only solution they can propose to any problem is to spend someone else’s money irrespective of efficacy or relevancy.

Political Funny Business

Tonight, I happened to be at a restaurant that had their TV turned to the news. One of the big stories was the breakthrough on the Chandra Levy “cold” case. While I’m glad that the family finally gets some closure, I was more interested in one little tidbit the reporter included in the story.

It seems that when Democratic rep Gary Condit – who had had an affair with Levy – left politics, he moved to Glendale, Arizona and opened two Baskin-Robbins ice cream parlors, which later failed.

Excuse me? How the fuck do you run two ice cream stores into the ground in Glendale, Arizona, where the average summer temperature is 101 degrees Fahrenheit? That’s way beyond ordinary incompetence; you have to be actively trying to fail.

This explains a great deal about the state of our economy, because I am confident that Condit is not an aberration. If our elected representatives had any business sense at all, they’d stay in the private sector and make more money. Think about this, too:

If you owned a business that was losing profits to the point where you had to lay off a good portion of your staff, do you think spending more money would help you recover?

The answer’s obvious, right? Not to our elected idiots in Washington, D.C. Every day, they prove the old bumper sticker right: If the opposite of Pro is Con, what’s the opposite of Progress?

And it’s not just on a national level, either. Iowa’s House of Reps is considering a bill that would categorize parents whose children are exposed to pornography as child abusers, opening them up to Social Services intervention, as well as getting them placed on an Offenders Registry.

That means if your 14-year-old sneaks a Playboy into his room, you can be haunted by the label “Child Abuser” for the rest of your life.

Iowa state law defines obscene material as “any material depicting or describing the genitals, sex acts, masturbation, excretory functions or sadomasochistic abuse which the average person, taking the material as a whole and applying contemporary community standards with respect to what is suitable material for minors, would find appeals to the prurient interest and is patently offensive; and the material, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, scientific, political or artistic value.”

There are a whole lot of soft definitions in that definition – Who’s average? What community? Suitable for what? – but it’s the last part that makes lawyers lie awake at night, hoping they’ll get a porn case. Who gets to define “serious?”

How about this?

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."


"Donna talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna da jail."


"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"


"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me inna jail."


"But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.


"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and ayellin'."

See? This joke violates Iowa state law by describing a sex act, and by definition, jokes aren’t serious. However, using the exaggerated Italian accent to provide an alternate definition of “beach’ and provide the punchline of the joke is a form of artistry. So who wins?

You could also make the case that jokes provide sociologists a way to chart prevailing attitudes or public perceptions. That sounds like a serious application to me.

Actually, the whole point is moot, thanks to the First Amendment. And a ton of legal precedents say that if I categorize the Iowa Legislature as a bunch of jerk-offs, even though I’m violating their laws by referencing masturbation, they can’t do anything about it.

Ha! Jerk-offs.

Self-perpetuation and Small Appliances

It occurred to me tonight that reality shows are the lowest-common-denominator version of a Philosophy degree.

Let me explain.

No. Is too much; let me sum up.

Winners of these reality shows, instead of doing anything worthwhile with their fifteen minutes, usually go on to host their own spin-off reality shows.

Philosophy majors, when faced with the realization that GE and Microsoft aren’t scrambling to hire them, dive back into the ivory towers and start teaching their own Philosophy classes.

I fled to the kitchen tonight to avoid both reality shows and Philosophy majors, and happened to notice the warning on the door to the toaster oven:
“In the event of a food flare-up, make sure door is closed.”

What odd phrasing – “flare up.” Do people not understand the word “fire” anymore? It’s as if:

“MOM!!!”
“What? What is it, honey? Why are you crying?”
“I have a date tomorrow night…and I’ve broken out in pork chops!”

“Hey…we can’t go to that house.”
“What? Why not?”
“Don’t you see that sign on the door? Someone in there has Toasted Cheese Sandwiches.”
“I thought that was eradicated, like, back in the 50s.”
“New strain came over from Eastern Europe. Just leave the Watchtower in the mailbox. Come on.”

“Duuuuude…I can’t believe you’re going out with her”
“Whattaya mean? She’s smokin’, dude.”
“Yeah…she’s tight. But she’s got muffins, man.”

“You look like hell, Dave.”
“Not sleeping very well, Al.”
“You and Eileen okay?”
“What? Yeah. It’s nothing like that. My fish sticks are just acting up again.”

“Hey, Sweetheart?”
“Yes, Dear?”
“Could you pick up another can of tater tot spray while you’re out? This burning is driving me crazy.”

Side-Effects

When people discuss being unemployed, they always talk about the cash crunch, the loss of insurance, the uncertainty. No one ever talks about the fact that there is now another person at home all day, and the disruption in the established domestic schedule it causes.

For instance, Mrs. Cat got used to being able to log on to the computer whenever she wanted to throughout the day, either to pursue her own interests or pull up educational sites for Kitten and Cub. Now, she’s got to find something to lure me away from the keyboard. She’s gotten really good at it, though. She’ll casually wonder aloud if there isn’t a better way to arrange the linen closet, or if the garage shelves are being optimized, and then sit back and wait for it to spur me to action. The sly minx.

There’s also a trade-off in communication. She likes having an adult around to converse with, as she was usually reduced to “A is for Apple”-type statements, and it was scrubbing points off of her IQ, but (and this will surprise no one who knows me) I can be…a tad…what you might call…sarcastic.

collective gasp

I know. Shocking, huh?

See, I got used to having thirty or so people around every day, which allowed me to spread out my ironic observations and mockery, leaving no single person to shoulder the load. As Kitten would need large doses of therapy if I jibed at her the way I did my coworkers, and Cub just ignores it, that leaves Mrs. Cat, who happily cuts me off at the knees if I push it too far. So I swallow a lot of sardonic retorts, which I’m sure will cause me to develop ulcers in the near-future.

Speaking of random transitions, our forecast is calling for thundersnow. I love this word so much. It sounds like some sort of D&D spell, combining a sonic and visual attack over a large Area of Effect, perfect for disrupting opposing forces, making an escape easier, or providing cover for a castle incursion. I always picture fluffy little flakes producing sonic booms as they hit the ground. It makes me want to roll up a Druid character and call the old group in for a game. That would be a little tricksy anymore, as we geeks defied the odds and got married and had families. Where we used to be able to devote entire weekends to gaming with little or no planning, now we have to coordinate schedules, get babysitters, find our spectacles, etc.

That’s the trade-off: We have the knowledge and experience that comes with age to create really spectacular campaigns, but are no longer able to plow through a 36-hour game fueled by nothing more than pizza and Pepsi.

sigh The side-effects of Life.