What does a Guy Have to Do?

So it’s Memorial Day weekend, and like a lot of lucky people, I have this Monday off. Also, like a lot of married people, I have a list of things to do that I have been putting off until I had a long weekend. Of course, now that the time is here, I just want to relax. I know I should be dusting the bookcase, straightening up the sun room closet, turning the mattresses and changing the batteries in the smoke alarms, but I’d rather finish my book, see a movie or two, and spend time with the offspring. I have six days’ worth of things to do, and three days to do it in.

All of which leads me to ask: What does a guy have to do to get a montage over here?

It’s my favorite part of “plucky underdog” movies. The director spends about 50 minutes – practically in real-time – getting the audience to sympathize with a likable-but-unpopular or “fish out of water” protagonist. At the end of the hour, the character makes some sort of pledge to:

get the popular boy/girl in school
win the fight/race/big game
land the promotion
write the novel
learn to dance

What follows is about five minutes of rapid jump cuts showing the character engaged in various efforts to better themselves. Sometimes humorous errors or painful setbacks are shown, because it ain’t always easy, but in general there is an upward trend towards progress as the goal is approached. These scenes are almost always accompanied by invigorating music in the style preferred by the target audience.

It’s been pointed out that the fastest way to travel in movies is by arrow. You know, when the image of the boat or plane is shown superimposed over a map with a moving arrow on it. Similarly, the fastest way to get through your “honey-do” list is with a montage. I can see it, now: Shots of me pulling books off of the shelf and my daughter stacking them on the table – maybe making doll houses out of them; a brief cut to me struggling with the King-sized mattress; a series of humorous slapstick escapades with the chair I’m using to reach a light bulb that needs changing; a quick shot of me closing the cover of my book and looking thoughtful; a clip of me and my boy feeding the ducks at the playground. And as the music winds down, I’d snuggle under my quilts and drift off into an untroubled sleep, ready to head back to work on Tuesday.

Fade to black.