Stuck On You

Have you ever almost gotten into a wreck because the car in front of you had too many bumper stickers, and you got distracted reading them?

I was following some beat-up Datsun home today, and by the time I almost ran over him, I knew just about every aspect of his personal ideologies. Now, my default opinion is that if you can fit your philosophy on a bumper sticker, you probably haven’t given it enough thought, and you’re certainly not providing enough context. (Ironically, my general attitude towards others – Fuck off – fits exceptionally well on a bumper sticker, but I don’t have one, mainly so I don’t have to try and explain it to my daughter.)

Ever notice that you can just about peg someone’s belief structure from a distance just from the colors of their bumper stickers? Green, Yellow, and Rainbows? That’s a Liberal. Red, White, and Blue? Conservative. It’s also amusing to me when folks from both sides leave on the campaign stickers from the races their candidate lost. It’s as if their car is their own little bubble of reality that they drive around in defiance of actual events.

And I absolutely adore the little self-stick icons wars. You just thought about the Fish vs. Darwin squabble, didn’t you? Watching them evolve makes me appreciate the clever wit involved in their creation.

(Okay – I was going to let that go without comment, but if I can’t self-congratulate on my own blog, where else can I? I worked in the key words to both sides of the argument in one sentence. Go me!)

My personal favorite is the Cthulhu fish, because I’m that much of a geek.



I suggested to a buddy once, half-seriously, that we should open up a store that specialized in that sort of thing. We would call it Counter Culture. (Work it out, I’m not going to explain everything.)

Back to the Datsun, then. I’m pretty sure that the car was being held together by the stickers, much as the ideas on them held together this young man’s self-worth. He had the standard declaration “War is not the Answer,” but evidently had not considered that the question might be: “What song is Edwin Starr best known for?” or “What does the Greek god Ares personify?” or even “What’s the best way to stop a murderous dictator hellbent on slaughtering people?” Here’s a fun thing to do, if you’re so inclined: Next time you get the opportunity to talk to someone who has that sticker on their car, ask them if they’re willing to fight for that belief. You can’t lose.

He also had the requisite “Animals are our Friends” sticker. Like we should all take Bruce’s pledge from Finding Nemo: “Fish are friends, not food.” Right. Let’s all swear off eating animals. That won’t upset the natural order of things at all. I seem to recall a popular theory that says something along the lines of “eat or be eaten.” Can’t quite remember which theory that is, though. Ev…evo…something.

There was a short science-fiction story some many moons ago whose protagonist developed super hearing. As he heard more and more expansively, he started to go insane. What drove him over the edge was the long, mournful groan of an oak tree as an axe bit into it. Great story. Makes me want to whip up a video of carrots screaming as they’re being pulled from the earth and post it on YouTube.

Q: How many environmentalists would starve to death after watching it?
A: Who cares?

A friend of mine has a great line. She says that vegetables are what food eats.

“No Blood for Oil.” One of my favorites. Anyone who possesses this sticker on their car obviously hasn’t done even a cursory search about where we get our oil from. Iraq is number six on the list. Our top two suppliers are Canada and Mexico, respectively. In fact, we get more than eight hundred percent more oil from those two countries than we do from Iraq. If we wanted to kill for our oil, we could do it a lot more easily and a hell of a lot closer to home. Canada would fall in a three-day weekend, and since Mexico has already exported their entire population here, we could just stroll over the border and take theirs.

“The Blood of New Orleans is on Republican Hands!” This was a new one on me. I hadn’t realized that Ray Nagin and Kathleen Blanco had switched parties.

“Earth First.” A classic. Damn right, Earth first. We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.

“Thou Shalt not Kill.” It’s so cute when Liberals try and quote the Bible. If they were really keeping up with theology, they’d’ve heard that the correct translation is “Thou Shalt not Murder.” That is, you shall not take innocent life. This being plastered next to the “Pro-Abortion” sticker was really delicious.

“Another Free Thinker for Peace.” Just like all of the other free thinkers that have that exact same bumper sticker?

“Apathy is Deadly.” So what?

“Celebrate Diversity” and “Stop Hate Radio.” Make up your damn mind.

“Stop Animal Testing.” Jeez. Teach Koko to use sign language, and you get all snippy. It’s not like it was an essay question or anything. Hope you’re not an insulin-dependent diabetic, pal, like the chick that heads up PETA.

He also had something about making proper environmental choices, but it was obscured by the oil residue blowing out of his muffler. That was the one I was trying to make out when he hit the brakes. Luckily, I stopped before I creased his “Forget Bush” sticker to read “For Bush.”

I’m sure it would have killed him.