Just Wondering

Which Liberal group is going to get the most press out of this incident at Virginia Tech? The hand-wringing pseudo-psychologists that will blame it all on video games, or the Socialistic Utopians that will try to use it as an excuse to erase the Second Amendment? It’s real simple, people: If video games influenced behavior, I’d be gobbling up glowing dots and running away from ghosts. Similarly, laws do not change behavior, they only regulate it. Making it illegal to own a gun will not stop someone who has already determined that they’re going to break the law. Ever notice how these massacres occur when a person with a gun goes into a gun-free zone such as a school? Why aren’t there ever firefights at a police station or a gun store? If you want to proscribe something to make it harder for this sort of thing to happen again, take a cue from the kid’s notes and outlaw rich kids and their debauchery. That seems to be what made him snap.

If I run over a man wearing camouflage, can I claim I didn’t see him?

I know the cure for an earworm is to listen to the song. Anyone know a good way of getting rid of soundbite-sized memes? I’ve got that stupid “More cowbell!” phrase banging around in my head.

I totally support Don Imus’s right to say whatever the hell he wants to. I also support the market forces that levy the consequences of his exercising that right. His first mistake was insulting the team for no reason; that was just mean-spirited. His second mistake was groveling to Al “Dig my shiny suits” Sharpton. It takes a race-baiter to know one, I guess. Has Big Al come out against gangsta rap lyrics yet? Anyone? Listening to Mr. Tawana Bradley and The Very Reverend Jesse “Shakedown” Jackson talk about racism is like a black fly in your Chardonnay. (Can I say “black”, Al and Jesse?) Keep in mind, Rainbow Coalition anagrams to: RACIAL BOON - I OWN IT.

Scientists have developed a Flu vaccine by genetically-engineering caterpillars rather than infecting millions of hen eggs each year. It’s a safer, slightly-faster process, and is just really freaking cool. I’m curious, though – will PETA shut up now that the hens are being left alone, or are we to feel sorry for the yellow-striped fall army worms, too?

I saw where two teens with balls of steel broke into Ted Nugent’s house. Will Shemane title her next book To Serve Man?

If you have a Mustang, please do not drive fifteen miles under the speed limit. I could easily make a case for justifiable homicide.

Ever just wake up in a mood where you spend all day at the office fantasizing about stapling your coworkers’s lips to the wall? I did today. I’d watch them try to pry themselves loose with one of those steel-fanged staple removers, and when they finally pulled free, I’d laugh and buy them a snack cake.