Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

I’m a smoker. I’ll give you a moment to cue up your knee-jerk tirade about second-hand smoke. Now exhale; I don’t want to hear it.

My city imposed a smoking ban in public spaces about a year ago. A flawed follow-up study claimed that the air quality has improved by some improbable percentage since the ban has gone into effect. Interestingly, there has been no follow-up study on the change in economic quality of the bars and restaurants affected by the ban, such as the family-owned smoke shop that was forced to go out of business.

Did you catch that? Here’s a business that existed solely to serve smokers. They sold tobacco, pipes, cigars, cigarettes, and all of the accoutrements that go along with the practice of smoking. That’s it. That’s all they sold. They weren’t a bar. They weren’t a restaurant. It was a place to purchase your smoking paraphernalia, and maybe hang around and indulge in the vice a bit with other societal pariahs. No one would go into the place unless they were a smoker; there was nothing for them there. Yet, the ban prohibited them from allowing smoking in the place, so people stopped coming in. No customers, no business. It would be akin to outlawing drinking in public, but expecting the bars to stay open.

Oh but that doesn’t matter to the nanny-state busybodies. They are convinced that trumping property rights “in the name of the Good” is a high moral calling. Know what? Fuck you. There has been no vetted study establishing any sort of link between illness and second-hand smoke. Don’t like the way it smells? Tough shit. I don’t like certain perfumes, but I’m not badgering the city council to outlaw them. The governments are all hypocrites, anyway. If they were really concerned about the health effects of smoking, they would ban tobacco completely. However, they’d be left with the thorny problem of replacing all of the lost income from tobacco taxes. So they keep raising the price of cigarettes, while simultaneously restricting the number of places we can smoke.

I saw this form online, and thought it was brilliant:

I discriminate against smokers because: A. The smell of smoke is icky and yucky, it makes my hair and clothes stink and I hate walking into a bar/restaurant where people are smoking. So rather than take advantage of the free market and go somewhere that is voluntarily smoke free, I would rather use the power of the state to impose my personal preference on my fellow citizens. B. My beloved ___________ (choose one: husband, wife, father, mother, brother, sister, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, maid, dog, cat, goldfish, gay lover) died from _________(choose one: cancer, heart disease, emphysema, car crash, train wreck, terrorist attack, sting ray) because of their smoking. C. I smoked for _____ (years) and now I am ________ (choose one: sick, dead, born again, enlightened, ashamed of myself) and want to share my experience with others. D. The Big Tobacco companies are lying scumbags and must pay! E. I represent Big Pharmaceutical interests that benefit from the anti-smoking movement because it increases the sales of our Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) products. F. I am a deeply caring individual in the mold of Mother Theresa and I am speaking out due to my benevolent, philanthropic, altruistic concern about the health of my fellow man. G. I am a research scientist and grant junky, and if I don't toe the party line my grant money will disappear. H. I'm just a garden variety Fascist and Totalitarian and get a ______ (choose one: cheap thrill, natural high, erection, orgasm) by imposing my will on other people. I. I am a retard who believes in bogus studies, junk science, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I fear that because I walked into a bar on Spring Break in 1987, and was exposed to Second Hand Smoke I now suffer from ______(choose one: AIDS, Herpes, Athletes Foot, Jock Itch, male pattern baldness, or genital warts) J. I am a disgruntled, prissy and angry employee of a ______(choose one: bar, restaurant, club, casino) who can't leave the job because I am a _______(choose one: slave, indentured servant, sweatshop laborer, illegal immigrant) and had no idea there was smoking going on in the place before I took the job. K. An elected public servant, serving as a _____ (choose one: State Assemblywoman, Senator, Freeholder, city councilman, mayor) and I have failed miserably in my job trying to tackle really tough problems like _____ (choose one: gang violence, income taxes, property taxes, crime, corruption), so I will support a smoking ban based on the talking points and literature that "M" has given me and claim that I have actually accomplished something to help my constituents. L. A Socialist liberal Democrat who is desperate for Universal Healthcare so the proletariat will continue to keep me in power. But if I don't do something about the "demand side" health care costs caused by such global health menaces as _________ (choose one: Marlboro, Merit, Kool, Big Macs, Whoppers, Chicken McNuggets, Budweiser, Coors, Jack Daniels) my health care entitlement program will go ________ (choose your adjective: broke, belly up, bankrupt, insolvent). M. A professional anti-tobacco activist who makes $450,000 per year. MY GOAL IS TO REDUCE SMOKING RATES FROM 25% TO BELOW 10%. KICKING THEM OUT OF THEIR FAVORITE BAR AND RESTAURANT IS JUST A SMALL STEP TO COERCE THEM TO QUIT. I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE THE SHS NONSENSE MYSELF! Don't you dare try to ban cigarettes, if you do I will have to go back to my previous job ______(choose one: prostitute, drug dealer, pimp, state assemblyman, mayor) where I won't make nearly as much money and the bank will foreclose on my seaside villa and repo my _______(choose one: Lexus, Mercedes, BMW, Hummer, Infiniti, Acura, Jaguar, Volvo, Bentley). I take advantage of the prejudices of categories A-L above to accomplish my goal. N. I don't fit any of the above categories; I just like to argue with people.

You may not be a smoker, but I’ll bet you have some vice that can just as easily be targeted. You might like fried foods, eat meat, drink alcohol, have a penchant for Twinkies, listen to music loudly on your iPod, talk on a cell phone while driving, own a gun, or hold politically incorrect opinions.

When they knock on your door, don’t look to me. I’m off to the black market to get some smokes.