Movie Précis Based on the Title Alone

I don’t watch television, and I don’t seek out movie trailers online. Consequently, I rarely know anything about upcoming movies except their titles. What follows is pretty much the first thing I thought of on seeing a list of soon-to-be-released films.

Meet the Robinsons
Eddie Murphy reprises his old SNL role as Mr. Robinson, and this time the viewer actually gets to follow him around his neighborhood. Watch the comic sparks fly as Mr. Robinson goes out to buy a new sweater, and gets mistaken for a murdering crack dealer. The hijinks multiply when Mrs. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) and their son Mikey (Eddie Murphy) help Mr. Robinson avoid Officer Harbor (Will Ferrell) the out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner (Eddie Murphy).

The Lookout
Perla Haney-Jardine plays the daughter of an out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner. This family/police drama examines the relationship between a father and his daughter, juxtaposed against a gritty urban background. Moral dilemmas abound as the officer (Woody Harrelson) realizes that the perfect partner for his stakeout may be his own eight-year-old girl.

Blades of Glory
Antonio Banderas returns as Zorro, and this time he may have met his match. The new governor of California (Cheech Marin), annoyed by the masked man’s tendency to incite the peasants against the government, hires Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin), an unemployed duelist from Spain, to dispose of The Fox once and for all. But does Zorro know something about Montoya’s father that may turn the tide? Look for cameos by Catherine Zeta Jones and Adam Sandler.

Peaceful Warrior
An out-of-body experience in the middle of a fierce firefight convinces Sergeant Thomas (Guy Pierce) that he is fighting in a morally-unjust war. Returning to reality, he lays down his weapon and walks away, only to be shot in the back by a sniper. As he is dying in the street, he reviews all of the decisions in his life that led him to this point.

After the Wedding
Two young newlyweds (Josh Meyers and Rachel McAdams) return from their honeymoon to find that their dream home has been taken over by an out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner. At first the couple is shocked and scared, but as the situation unfolds, Miranda (McAdams) becomes suspicious about Josh’s (Meyers) possible involvement with the murder of the policeman.

Blind Dating
A touching story of relationships among the sight-challenged. Laced with both humor and pathos, the movie follows Sasha Greene (Diane Lane) over the course of one weekend in the dating scene of downtown Kansas City (Missouri, not Kansas).

Live Free or Die
The cinematic debut of director Leland Marquette, formerly of the Department of Tourism for New Hampshire. This sweeping historical epic follows the adventures and sorrows of one family from the founding of the Granite State to the tragic day when the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed. Not the same people, obviously; I mean, that’s like 215 years or more. This film features a moving performance by Michael Keaton as an out-of-control park ranger bent on revenge for the collapse of the state monument.

Are We Done Yet?
A documentary about Ice Cube’s slow whittling away of his career.

Firehouse Dog
Pauly Shore plays a pyromaniac caught in one of his own infernal creations. In the midst of dying, he is approached by an angel (Bobcat Goldthwait), who offers him the chance to be reincarnated. Shore jumps at the chance, only to find himself in the body of a lovable Dalmatian puppy, who is adopted by the local Fire Department. Wackiness ensues as Shore (through voiceover) gets increasingly frustrated by the lack of opposable thumbs. How’s he going to work the Zippo now?

The Hoax
-Warning: Spoilers ahead-
The Hoax is actually not a movie. It is a psychological experiment from UC Berkeley. False trailers were created and distributed through the Internet at specific times. Once audiences get into the theater, they will be shown Rorschach slides and asked about their sex lives. Roger Ebert says “It’s the height of cheekiness to tell people straight out that the whole thing is a joke, I didn’t like their slides at all, and they’re wrong about my sex life.”

Black Book
Eric Bana plays an Internal Affairs officer investigating an out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner. He is working through the little black book of the slain officer, hoping to find some leads. One of the numbers leads him to femme fatale Scarlett Johansson, who may or may not have caused the death. As suspicion mounts, so does desire, and Bana soon finds out why affairs, especially internal ones, can be deadly.

Penelope
Telling the story of The Odyssey from the perspective of Odysseus’s wife, we are treated to twenty years’ worth of Penelope (Helen Mirren) sitting in her room and getting snippets of information about her husband. This movie was rushed through editing after the phenomenal success of 300, and it shows. I’m usually not one to point out editing goofs, but the burial shroud for Laertes actually gets shorter in several shots.

The TV Set
No longer content to remake old TV shows individually, this film from 20th Century Fox invites us into the home of the Loftin family, where by chance, all of the televisions in the house are broken, save the one in the living room. Each family member has their own favorite shows, and must convince the others how much better they are than the ones the others would choose. As each show is touted, the audience is treated to updated versions.

Perfect Stranger
The movie remake of the old Perfect Strangers TV show, itself an updated The Odd Couple, starring Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot. (The final ‘S’ was dropped due to copyright laws.) Originally intended to be part of The TV Set (see above), test audiences reacted so well to it that it was developed as its own full-length movie. It centers on the tenuous relationship between Larry, an all-business corporate mercenary, and his wacky Greek cousin Balki. Starring Thomas Haden Church and Jim Carrey.