Just Wondering

If Global Warming is caused by Man, why are the icecaps on Mars melting?

If a gay man is looking for a male partner, why do so many of them choose men that act like women? The same gender-equivalent question for the lesbians.

If “The People” in the First Amendment means The People; “the People” in the Fourth Amendment means The People; “the People” in the Ninth Amendment means The People; and “the People” in the Tenth Amendment means The People, why is there so much confusion over the term “the People” in the Second Amendment?

With so much confusion over how far various governments should go in offering reparations for slavery, how about we just allow any former slave to demand as much as they want from their former owner?

If PETA wants to stop animal testing, why don’t they volunteer to replace the rats? It would make the drug trials much shorter, thereby reducing the final costs. I realize that by doing so, they wouldn’t have time to kill as many animals as they have in the past, but that’s the price of progress.

Since there’s enough land area in Texas to build 4,867,828,838 1,500-square-foot houses, and only 6,585,456,116 people in the world, what’s all this I hear about overpopulation? Less than half of those houses would have two people in them.

Does my distant relation to the Kennedy clan entitle me to get away with one murder? Or do I have to marry the Austrian?

Word on the street is that Mitt Romney is considering Jeb Bush as his running mate. With Liberals being rabidly allergic to the Bush family, and Conservatives tired of being lied to by them, Mitt has foregone his foot, and is shooting directly into his skull. Does he not know that such a pairing would guarantee a Democratic victory in 08?

Word on the street is that Al Gore is considering a third-party candidacy in the Green party. This is the same party that drained his votes in 2000, remember. Does Gore hate the Clintons enough to go through with it, or is he courting the Democratic primary? Does he not know that by joining the Greens, he would guarantee a Republican victory in 08?

There is a lot of concern lately over the aggressive and nihilistic tendencies of Internet users, particularly in cases of death threats towards political bloggers. The anonymity inherent in the ‘net allows people to forego the societal conventions of decorum and propriety, and basically exposes humanity for the assholes they really are. When did people become so thin-skinned that they are driven to threaten bodily harm to someone that disagrees with them?

With the fact that Bush can’t whisper in an ear without the entire conversation ending up on the front page of the New York Times, can anybody really believe that his administration could secretly carry out any of the conspiracies that are laid at his feet?

Speaking of conspiracies, blowing up the levees during hurricane Katrina was only the first stage of the plan to destroy New Orleans. Was getting Ray Nagin reelected the final stage, or can we expect something else?

New York City is going ahead with a plan to give cash incentives to the poor for good school attendance and other metrics. I guess the $1 trillion we’ve already spent on the War on Poverty just hasn’t been enough. I get cash incentives for good attendance, too. At my job. This program is based on a similar program in Mexico. Is that the economy we really want to be modeling?

The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network wants my contribution to support the Day of Silence. How much to purchase a year’s worth? The Love that Dare Not Speak Its Name has become the Love that Won’t Stop Yammering at Us.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

I’m a smoker. I’ll give you a moment to cue up your knee-jerk tirade about second-hand smoke. Now exhale; I don’t want to hear it.

My city imposed a smoking ban in public spaces about a year ago. A flawed follow-up study claimed that the air quality has improved by some improbable percentage since the ban has gone into effect. Interestingly, there has been no follow-up study on the change in economic quality of the bars and restaurants affected by the ban, such as the family-owned smoke shop that was forced to go out of business.

Did you catch that? Here’s a business that existed solely to serve smokers. They sold tobacco, pipes, cigars, cigarettes, and all of the accoutrements that go along with the practice of smoking. That’s it. That’s all they sold. They weren’t a bar. They weren’t a restaurant. It was a place to purchase your smoking paraphernalia, and maybe hang around and indulge in the vice a bit with other societal pariahs. No one would go into the place unless they were a smoker; there was nothing for them there. Yet, the ban prohibited them from allowing smoking in the place, so people stopped coming in. No customers, no business. It would be akin to outlawing drinking in public, but expecting the bars to stay open.

Oh but that doesn’t matter to the nanny-state busybodies. They are convinced that trumping property rights “in the name of the Good” is a high moral calling. Know what? Fuck you. There has been no vetted study establishing any sort of link between illness and second-hand smoke. Don’t like the way it smells? Tough shit. I don’t like certain perfumes, but I’m not badgering the city council to outlaw them. The governments are all hypocrites, anyway. If they were really concerned about the health effects of smoking, they would ban tobacco completely. However, they’d be left with the thorny problem of replacing all of the lost income from tobacco taxes. So they keep raising the price of cigarettes, while simultaneously restricting the number of places we can smoke.

I saw this form online, and thought it was brilliant:

I discriminate against smokers because: A. The smell of smoke is icky and yucky, it makes my hair and clothes stink and I hate walking into a bar/restaurant where people are smoking. So rather than take advantage of the free market and go somewhere that is voluntarily smoke free, I would rather use the power of the state to impose my personal preference on my fellow citizens. B. My beloved ___________ (choose one: husband, wife, father, mother, brother, sister, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, maid, dog, cat, goldfish, gay lover) died from _________(choose one: cancer, heart disease, emphysema, car crash, train wreck, terrorist attack, sting ray) because of their smoking. C. I smoked for _____ (years) and now I am ________ (choose one: sick, dead, born again, enlightened, ashamed of myself) and want to share my experience with others. D. The Big Tobacco companies are lying scumbags and must pay! E. I represent Big Pharmaceutical interests that benefit from the anti-smoking movement because it increases the sales of our Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) products. F. I am a deeply caring individual in the mold of Mother Theresa and I am speaking out due to my benevolent, philanthropic, altruistic concern about the health of my fellow man. G. I am a research scientist and grant junky, and if I don't toe the party line my grant money will disappear. H. I'm just a garden variety Fascist and Totalitarian and get a ______ (choose one: cheap thrill, natural high, erection, orgasm) by imposing my will on other people. I. I am a retard who believes in bogus studies, junk science, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I fear that because I walked into a bar on Spring Break in 1987, and was exposed to Second Hand Smoke I now suffer from ______(choose one: AIDS, Herpes, Athletes Foot, Jock Itch, male pattern baldness, or genital warts) J. I am a disgruntled, prissy and angry employee of a ______(choose one: bar, restaurant, club, casino) who can't leave the job because I am a _______(choose one: slave, indentured servant, sweatshop laborer, illegal immigrant) and had no idea there was smoking going on in the place before I took the job. K. An elected public servant, serving as a _____ (choose one: State Assemblywoman, Senator, Freeholder, city councilman, mayor) and I have failed miserably in my job trying to tackle really tough problems like _____ (choose one: gang violence, income taxes, property taxes, crime, corruption), so I will support a smoking ban based on the talking points and literature that "M" has given me and claim that I have actually accomplished something to help my constituents. L. A Socialist liberal Democrat who is desperate for Universal Healthcare so the proletariat will continue to keep me in power. But if I don't do something about the "demand side" health care costs caused by such global health menaces as _________ (choose one: Marlboro, Merit, Kool, Big Macs, Whoppers, Chicken McNuggets, Budweiser, Coors, Jack Daniels) my health care entitlement program will go ________ (choose your adjective: broke, belly up, bankrupt, insolvent). M. A professional anti-tobacco activist who makes $450,000 per year. MY GOAL IS TO REDUCE SMOKING RATES FROM 25% TO BELOW 10%. KICKING THEM OUT OF THEIR FAVORITE BAR AND RESTAURANT IS JUST A SMALL STEP TO COERCE THEM TO QUIT. I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE THE SHS NONSENSE MYSELF! Don't you dare try to ban cigarettes, if you do I will have to go back to my previous job ______(choose one: prostitute, drug dealer, pimp, state assemblyman, mayor) where I won't make nearly as much money and the bank will foreclose on my seaside villa and repo my _______(choose one: Lexus, Mercedes, BMW, Hummer, Infiniti, Acura, Jaguar, Volvo, Bentley). I take advantage of the prejudices of categories A-L above to accomplish my goal. N. I don't fit any of the above categories; I just like to argue with people.

You may not be a smoker, but I’ll bet you have some vice that can just as easily be targeted. You might like fried foods, eat meat, drink alcohol, have a penchant for Twinkies, listen to music loudly on your iPod, talk on a cell phone while driving, own a gun, or hold politically incorrect opinions.

When they knock on your door, don’t look to me. I’m off to the black market to get some smokes.

Movie Précis Based on the Title Alone

I don’t watch television, and I don’t seek out movie trailers online. Consequently, I rarely know anything about upcoming movies except their titles. What follows is pretty much the first thing I thought of on seeing a list of soon-to-be-released films.

Meet the Robinsons
Eddie Murphy reprises his old SNL role as Mr. Robinson, and this time the viewer actually gets to follow him around his neighborhood. Watch the comic sparks fly as Mr. Robinson goes out to buy a new sweater, and gets mistaken for a murdering crack dealer. The hijinks multiply when Mrs. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) and their son Mikey (Eddie Murphy) help Mr. Robinson avoid Officer Harbor (Will Ferrell) the out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner (Eddie Murphy).

The Lookout
Perla Haney-Jardine plays the daughter of an out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner. This family/police drama examines the relationship between a father and his daughter, juxtaposed against a gritty urban background. Moral dilemmas abound as the officer (Woody Harrelson) realizes that the perfect partner for his stakeout may be his own eight-year-old girl.

Blades of Glory
Antonio Banderas returns as Zorro, and this time he may have met his match. The new governor of California (Cheech Marin), annoyed by the masked man’s tendency to incite the peasants against the government, hires Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin), an unemployed duelist from Spain, to dispose of The Fox once and for all. But does Zorro know something about Montoya’s father that may turn the tide? Look for cameos by Catherine Zeta Jones and Adam Sandler.

Peaceful Warrior
An out-of-body experience in the middle of a fierce firefight convinces Sergeant Thomas (Guy Pierce) that he is fighting in a morally-unjust war. Returning to reality, he lays down his weapon and walks away, only to be shot in the back by a sniper. As he is dying in the street, he reviews all of the decisions in his life that led him to this point.

After the Wedding
Two young newlyweds (Josh Meyers and Rachel McAdams) return from their honeymoon to find that their dream home has been taken over by an out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner. At first the couple is shocked and scared, but as the situation unfolds, Miranda (McAdams) becomes suspicious about Josh’s (Meyers) possible involvement with the murder of the policeman.

Blind Dating
A touching story of relationships among the sight-challenged. Laced with both humor and pathos, the movie follows Sasha Greene (Diane Lane) over the course of one weekend in the dating scene of downtown Kansas City (Missouri, not Kansas).

Live Free or Die
The cinematic debut of director Leland Marquette, formerly of the Department of Tourism for New Hampshire. This sweeping historical epic follows the adventures and sorrows of one family from the founding of the Granite State to the tragic day when the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed. Not the same people, obviously; I mean, that’s like 215 years or more. This film features a moving performance by Michael Keaton as an out-of-control park ranger bent on revenge for the collapse of the state monument.

Are We Done Yet?
A documentary about Ice Cube’s slow whittling away of his career.

Firehouse Dog
Pauly Shore plays a pyromaniac caught in one of his own infernal creations. In the midst of dying, he is approached by an angel (Bobcat Goldthwait), who offers him the chance to be reincarnated. Shore jumps at the chance, only to find himself in the body of a lovable Dalmatian puppy, who is adopted by the local Fire Department. Wackiness ensues as Shore (through voiceover) gets increasingly frustrated by the lack of opposable thumbs. How’s he going to work the Zippo now?

The Hoax
-Warning: Spoilers ahead-
The Hoax is actually not a movie. It is a psychological experiment from UC Berkeley. False trailers were created and distributed through the Internet at specific times. Once audiences get into the theater, they will be shown Rorschach slides and asked about their sex lives. Roger Ebert says “It’s the height of cheekiness to tell people straight out that the whole thing is a joke, I didn’t like their slides at all, and they’re wrong about my sex life.”

Black Book
Eric Bana plays an Internal Affairs officer investigating an out-of-control police officer bent on revenge for the death of his partner. He is working through the little black book of the slain officer, hoping to find some leads. One of the numbers leads him to femme fatale Scarlett Johansson, who may or may not have caused the death. As suspicion mounts, so does desire, and Bana soon finds out why affairs, especially internal ones, can be deadly.

Penelope
Telling the story of The Odyssey from the perspective of Odysseus’s wife, we are treated to twenty years’ worth of Penelope (Helen Mirren) sitting in her room and getting snippets of information about her husband. This movie was rushed through editing after the phenomenal success of 300, and it shows. I’m usually not one to point out editing goofs, but the burial shroud for Laertes actually gets shorter in several shots.

The TV Set
No longer content to remake old TV shows individually, this film from 20th Century Fox invites us into the home of the Loftin family, where by chance, all of the televisions in the house are broken, save the one in the living room. Each family member has their own favorite shows, and must convince the others how much better they are than the ones the others would choose. As each show is touted, the audience is treated to updated versions.

Perfect Stranger
The movie remake of the old Perfect Strangers TV show, itself an updated The Odd Couple, starring Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot. (The final ‘S’ was dropped due to copyright laws.) Originally intended to be part of The TV Set (see above), test audiences reacted so well to it that it was developed as its own full-length movie. It centers on the tenuous relationship between Larry, an all-business corporate mercenary, and his wacky Greek cousin Balki. Starring Thomas Haden Church and Jim Carrey.

Native, American Style

You all know that feeling. Someone presents you with the perfect opportunity to deliver a devastatingly sweet putdown, clever comment, or witty repartee, and you draw a complete blank. You know there’s a hook there somewhere, but it just doesn’t come through for you. Then you sit up in bed at three in the morning a couple of weeks later, gnashing your teeth because your subconscious has just spit out the words you couldn’t find at the time.

People react to this differently. Rank amateurs will seek out the other person, and say “You remember back in September when you said ‘something’? Well I didn’t say it, but what I thought was ‘something in response’. Ha!” Those that are desperate to be seen as clever will manipulate subsequent conversations in a bald attempt to try and force that same exchange again – sort of a cosmic do-over. Professional conversationalists will just file it away and go back to sleep. It’s this advanced preparation, this ‘prepartee’, if you will, that helps in securing a reputation for mental acuity and linguistic gymnastics. And as a reward, Life sometimes gives you the opportunity to detonate one of these prepared statements.

I lived on an Indian reservation in the mountains for a while, and the sheer stupidity of the tourists that came through always amazed me. I’ll go ahead and get all those questions out of the way:

Q. Do you live in a teepee?
A. No. Those were used by the nomadic Plains tribes. Oh, and it’s the twentieth century, dipwad.

Q. Do you have dirt floors?
A. Well at least you grant me the benefit of the doubt about living in a real house. Did you see the Lowe’s on your way in? Linoleum in the kitchen and carpet in the bedroom, just like you.

Q. What time do the leaves change color?
A. 4:17.

Q. If I drive up the mountain to the lookout tower, do I have to come back down the mountain to get back here?
A. Go away.

People would always ask me if I was Indian. I always told them that I was part Sycamore. The next question was invariably “What’s your Indian name?” Like they all go around sporting names like Dances on Laps or Two Squirrels Fighting Over a Nut. At this time, the Chief’s name was Bill, and the Vice-Chief was named Gerald. Didn’t really fit in with the romanticized visions of the proud redskin living in harmony with nature, but there you are.

So I’m up on a ladder replacing the ballast on one of the fluorescent fixtures in the shop, and this woman walks in. She’s got the vapid, idolizing look in her eyes that I’ve come to realize signifies someone who places all Indians on a pedestal. Sure enough, she heads straight to the printed copies of the tribal enrollment, and starts sifting through them like a prospector panning at a stream. Her shoulders slump, and I know that she hasn’t found the name she hoped to find. A good many of the visitors to the reservation are convinced that they have Indian blood, and the hackneyed claim is that their great-grandmothers were full-bloods. Never a grandfather; never more than three generations ago. My coworkers and I had decided that that particular generation must’ve been nothing than whores to support all of the declarations.

Since she hasn’t found evidence to support her direct claim, she figures that she’ll cozy up to some local and get a contact validation. Now ordinarily, I’m as pasty white as the next Winter-complected European-American, but a couple of summers’ worth of being outdoors made it look like I actually had blood in my body. I also have dark hair, which I wear long. Hey! Long dark hair, a rudimentary tan – must be an Indian!

“So do you live here on the reservation?” she asks hopefully.

“Just over the border,” I reply.

“Are you Indian?”

“Part Sycamore.”

“Oh that’s really cool. My great-grandmother was a full-blood. What’s your Indian name?”

“Many Hands,” I intone, semi-religiously.

“Oh that’s an interesting name. What does it mean?”

At that moment, it all comes together. The fluorescent blazes into life. I put the screwdriver in my pocket, and carry the dead ballast down the ladder. I gesture towards the cool, clean photons showering down from above and tell her:

“Many Hands make light work.”

The Eternal Question

Why me? Why here?

Why not?

Until now, my blog has been tucked away in a quiet little corner of the web. I decided to make it a little easier to access (aren't you lucky?).

My alter ego here is a cynical misanthrope, but in reality I'm actually a misanthropic cynic. If what I write makes you uncomfortable or angry, it was probably sarcasm. Either that, or I really am talking about you, and you'll just have to come to grips with the fact that not everyone likes you.

Full Disclosure Statement: I realize that most times I'm full of crap. As long as you realize it, too, we can all get along just fine.

Please don't expect consistency; I write for fun. Sometimes it's a serious subject that I am taking seriously, sometimes it's a serious subject that I'm making fun of. Sometimes I blow things way out of proportion for no other reason than to see what happens.

I tend to curse. A lot. I'd like to apologize in advance to all of the parents that are too lazy to monitor what their kids are accessing on the internet if my saying 'fuck' scars their little darlings.

If you're wondering about the name, look up 'sophist'. That's how seriously I take myself. I'm not out to proselytize or change anybody's mind about anything. I'm just here to scribble. (The 'cat' part is from my other blog, some of which will be recycled here at some point.)

Comments are welcome and appreciated. Stupid comments become fodder for future posts.

Thanks.