I KNOW I’m funny; I’m just underappreciated

There’s a running joke in the office about the large amounts of scotch consumed by “Bob”. Last week, another employee was trying to use Bob’s computer, which kept crashing. I pointed out that there was biometric identification built into the mouse: It measured Blood/Alcohol levels.

In a conversation between manly men, the inevitable “I like my (beverage) like I like my women” discussion came around. I opined that “I like my coffee like I like my women.” “Hot and black?” came the question. “Ground down and bitter,” I clarified.

On a message board a few years ago, it was pointed out that the National Organization for Women had turned 40. I suggested we trade it in for two 20-year-old women’s’ organizations.

When an article in our local newspaper tried to blame Grand Theft Auto for a shooting, I asked “Since I’m usually wandering around with no clue as to what I should be doing, can I blame Myst?”.

A story online mentioned that a big rig carrying vacuums had been hijacked, with no clue as to the identity of the perpetrator(s). My suggestion was that authorities should be on the lookout for Nature.

Don’t cook bacon naked, and other Thanksgiving observations

Remember: it’s one stick of butter per person per course. Otherwise why bother?

Why is it that every other day of the year, we’re content to have a sandwich or burger for lunch, but during the holidays, nothing less than a 10-pound bird, stuffing, potatoes, green beans, hot buttered rolls, and some sort of pie (or two) satisfies us? I think it started with the Pilgrims, but they at least had the excuse that they’d previously been starving to death.

Cops are out in force patrolling traffic. I was caught up in a slow stretch of road the day before Thanksgiving, and saw the most appropriate vanity plate ever. A State Trooper had pulled over a bright yellow Mustang, whose plate read: YSOFICER

Don’t put the towel you used to clean up the herbed butter/olive oil spill in the wash with the other towels, unless you want the linen closet to smell like your meal for the next six months. Either waste the water and power to wash it by itself, or throw it away.

While it’s not unusual for a radio station to change formats for the holiday, our local harder-rock station had programmed 80s soundtrack songs. While preferable to the all-Christmas playlists most stations adopt, it was a little time-warping to be hearing OMD’s “If You Leave” (Pretty in Pink) and Peter Gabriel’s ”In Your Eyes” (Say Anything) while we cooked, particularly because we were expecting System of a Down or Seether.

The Atomic Shuffle

One of the big geek fantasies is teleportation. Invariably, whenever the subject comes up, the discussion turns to the revolution it would be for the shipping industry – instant delivery, no transportation overhead, reduction in storage space, etc. Then the focus turns to the personal travel possibilities, where you can dispense with long plane/car trips to get to that business meeting or head down to Disney World. It always follows this pattern because even in our flights of fancy, we want to test it on non-living matter before we start hurling people between dimensions.

Like a lot of nerds, I’ve thought about possible applications for commercial teleportation: pizza delivery, Amazon orders, landfill removal, the collapse of the Hotel and Airline industries, etc. But very few people talk about how it will change some of the more questionable ventures, like crime, porn and spam mail.

For instance:

Prostitution will get a lot more discreet if you can beam them straight to the bedroom.
Your local crack dealer won’t draw attention to himself by having cars coming and going all day.
Pop-Ins will replace pop-ups as alternative medicine samples, Nigerian checks, and suspect software will be physically sent to you.
Nuclear bombs transported to any location just as the countdown clicks to 0.
Kidnapping and burglary will get a whole lot easier.

And on the punishment side of the “Crime &” equation:

Run from the cops? Instead of giving chase, they’ll zap you directly into the jailhouse.
Illegal alien? One word: teledeported. (Of course, they’ll pop right back in, but I had to use that.)
The SWAT team appears directly at the scene, grabs the bad guy and disappears.
Prisons won’t need doors in the outer walls.
Capital sentences will be carried out by setting the destination coordinates to “The Sun.”

And that’s not even touching on the massive changes in social etiquette that will take place when anyone can be anywhere at a moment’s notice. You think it’s annoying now when someone you’re talking to answers their cell phone? What about when they just pop out in the middle of a conver

Except for a mouse

A dominant theme in the blogs lately has been people complaining (yet again) about retailers moving Christmas promotions up to Hallowe'en, and even before 10/31 in some cases.

I don't know what they're complaining about. We've been seeing Yuletide references ever since Subway rolled out their commercial with Michael Phelps back in the early summer.

I think I've mentioned before that we watch all our television with the Closed Captioning on. Not only does it help Cub with his reading, we don't wake anybody up at night by blasting the gunfire, explosions, or cursing that make up the majority of the movies we like.

In any case, I've become aware that, just like in any editing field, there are varying levels of competence when it comes to transcription services. Live feeds get a pass because that's very fast-paced. However, when it comes to filmed entertainment, where a script has already been nailed down, there are no excuses.

So Subway brings Phelps out, presumably to make the "munchies" connection, and the background music is Sly & the Family Stone's Thank You for Letting Me Be Myself Again. Subway splurged to include the lyrics of the song in the transcription, but evidently skimped on a proofreader. The lyrics on our screen were "Thank you/for lettin' me/ be mice elf/ again."

Who needs drugs?

The comments on Fark make me laugh.
The comments on Yahoo Answers make me sad.
The comments on YouTube make me psychotic.

Through careful internet browsing, I can regulate my mood to exact degrees.

This is how my brain works

Whenever I see this:

I think of this:

That One Looks Like A Spoiler -OR- Out! Out! Damned Spot

I found out recently that psychiatrists who still employ the Rorschach blots as a diagnostic tool jealously guard them, so potential patients can't study them beforehand. If the test had any merit at all, I could understand that, but since it fails every criterion as to what constitutes a valid, scientifically sound, and legally admissable diagnostic tool, I don't feel too bad about posting all of them in my blog.

It was interesting, too, to read the "rules" that guide the scoring of the test. They're so broad, every administrator is pretty much free to interpret them how they wish. Some will score against you if you rotate the card; others will score against you if you don't. You might get a "bad grade" if you answer too quickly, or if you take too long to answer. Some psychiatrists will drop your score if you don't confine your answer to the ink marks (seeing an image in the negative space, for example), or if you see too many things. Some will mark your score down if you say "That's a (whatever)" instead of "That looks like a (whatever)", as if the patient really believes that a drip of ink on cardstock has transformed into the (whatever).

I actually think Rorschach was testing the psychiatrists' reactions rather than the patients'.

One fairly consistent reaction across the board, apparently, is that all of the psychiatrists will react negatively if you tell them you see "an inkblot." But really, isn't that the literal truth? Wouldn't that indicate that the patient has a solid grip on the real world, not given to hallucinations or manias?

I have to offer this P.S.A. in connection with this post: If you are ever in a position where your state of mind is to be determined by a Rorschach test (like whether you're mentally competent enough to stand trial, for instance), you are supposed to let them know you have seen the cards, and request an alternate diagnostic tool. Use your own judgement as to whether or not you think holding that information back will give you an advantage.

Here are the cards, and my interpretations.

Plate 1

Evil bunny grinning at me, or two chihuahuas gnawing on one of those cat clocks.

Plate 2

Two Chinese peasants in DEVO hats high-fiving one another.

Plate 3

Okay, this one requires some backstory: when I was little, my grandparents went on a trip to Africa. They picked up a pair of carved wooden staues of "typical" village women. This image looks like those statues putting a tuxedo together.

Plate 4

Roadkill. Specifically, a rabbit run over by a motorcycle. (And he had four of 'em!)

Plate 5

Moth/butterfly/alligators hiding behind bushes/Martian angel/Icarus

Plate 6

Dragonfly towing a raccon skin, or a diver hitting a dry pool.

Plate 7

Two "Thumbs Up!" made out of paper, or Siamese ants joined at the abdomen.

Plate 8

Two chameleons perched on baboons and tearing apart a brick of frozen shredded wheat.

Plate 9

Two deer, heads cocked in a "Oh no you din't" attitude, stand behind bushes while four plucked hens await on the other side.

Plate 10

Seafood platter with calamari, crab claws, salmon, fried clams, and scallops.

In the negative space, I see a woman wearing (top to bottom): a tall headdress, an amber necklace, a pink cape, a blue bra, yellow garters, and green hose.

So...what have we learned?

Freedom of Choice

I'm confused. Aren't two of the Liberal mantras "Freedom to Choose" and "Keep your laws off my body"?

Then why do the Democrats in the House feel it necessary to enforce compliance with their health care bill by criminalizing those that elect not to participate? That's right, citizens, if you do not purchase health insurance, you can be fined up to $250,000 and/or spend five years in Federal prison.

And another thing: if this health care bill is so wonderful, can we expect the Congressfolk to drop their existing plans and sign up for it?

I'm thinking...no.

What Drives Volvo?

Have you seen Volvo's latest ad campaign? It's a tie-in to the Twilight series and it's called "What Drives Edward?" or "What Would Edward Drive?" or "Why Hasn't Anyone Driven A Stake Through Edward?" or something like that.

Two questions arise from seeing their commercials, the first being: Why have they added the male circle/arrow symbol to their logo? Am I supposed to get an erection upon seeing the car or, more disturbingly, Edward?

Second, and a little more fundamental: Who the hell is this campaign aimed at? The primary market for the Twilight dreck is tween girls. Last I checked, tweens aren't old enough to have a driver's license. And the primary market for Volvos is middle-aged white guys that don't feel safe on the highway. The viewers of the movie don't care about the car, and the potential car buyers aren't seeing the movie. What did they think would happen to their sales figures?

The other terrible tie-in is the game on their web site. It involves answering trivia questions over a period of successive days. Again, the stodgy old white guys won't know the trivia, and the tweens won't invest the dedicated time.

One of the reasons tween girls fantasize about a vampire boyfriend is because tween boys are boring, bland, and unoriginal. Vampires are exciting and dangerous. Now, hasn't Volvo spent the last several decades extolling their safety record? Isn't that the complete opposite of why a girl might date a vampire? And if they're wanting to tap into the idea that Bella feels safe with Edward, then the campaign should have been "What Drives Bella?".

Was any rational thought put into this multi-million dollar campaign at all? Do the car giveaway, of course, but beyond that, there are plenty of other ways to promote the brand that make more sense: Passes to the premiere with a chauffeured Volvo dropping the winners off at the red carpet; a drive around the filming locations in a new Volvo with members of the cast; a remote-controlled Volvo for the Barbie editions of the characters. If you wanted to try and get really "wacky" and "hip", you could even do a commercial along the lines of "Why Edward sucks. A: He's a vampire; that's what they do. Why Volvo doesn't suck. A: (the list)." Needs polishing, sure, but that's off the top of my head, and I still think it establishes a better tie-in to the material.

I've been in meetings where everyone's all excited about landing the big account, but surely someone must have had a moment of clarity at some point. I'm all for extending the brand into new markets, but not at the expense of your central positioning statement.

Election Dysfunction

I can't believe I haven't used that title until now.

All kinds of elections and votes last night. Caught a newscast from CNN on my way in to work this morning about various races, and noted two things.

One, their tagline now is “America’s most trusted news source.” Really? Every time the numbers come out, FOX has anywhere between three and five times the number of viewers as CNN. FOX also claims at least thirteen of the top fifteen news show slots every quarter. And according to advertising revenue, CNN is dead last in the primary 18-49 market. If they’re defining “America” as “people we employ,” maybe CNN has a claim, but otherwise…

The other thing was the newscaster using the term “controversial.” The lead-in to the story was “Maine voters passed two controversial referendums yesterday.”

One referendum was to allow the use of medical marijuana in the state. When approximately 80% of the respondents to an informal poll are in favor of legalizing pot, Liberals and Conservatives are telling the Feds they’re missing out on a huge revenue stream by ignoring it, and everyone is focused on medical care right now, this vote isn’t even a surprise, much less controversial.

The other was voting against legally recognizing gay marriage, previously passed by the Maine legislature. I’m not sure what’s so controversial about this, either. Gay marriage has been voted on thirty-one separate times, all across the country, and has been defeated every time. To me, that seems pretty clear that it’s a mainstream position. Maybe CNN is astounded by the fact that The People went against the mandates handed down by their legislators and exercised their right to smack them down with a big ol’ veto.

On another network, the Maine ban on gay marriage was mentioned briefly, and the commentator (from Politico.com, I believe) was asked if that reflected the opinions of the rest of the country. His dismissive reply was that Maine has always been “kind of odd, and fiercely independent.”

It’s been voted down thirty-one times, dink. That’s neither odd nor independent.

The newscaster asked another leading question: “Do you think this vote means the issue has been laid to rest?” My immediate reaction was: Fuck, no. The gay lobby will keep forcing vote after vote after vote until they get the results they want. They’re like that little kid who keeps shouting “Do over! Do over!” when they lose. I understand the dangers of the Tyranny of the Majority, but neither can 3% of the population force the remaining 97% into a mindset they don’t hold already.

Unless you get them stoned, first.

Exhausting Meals and Shady Talent

Apparently our newest employee is a hummingbird. He’s one of these people that won’t (or can’t) look you in the eyes when he’s talking to you, and is constantly twitching around to look at other stuff. As we conversed over lunch, he appeared to be offering his observations to the table next to us, the plant in the corner, the television on the wall…anywhere but the guy across from him who’d asked the original question. Damn, dude…my autistic Cub makes more eye contact than you.

Now, I tend to focus on people’s mouths when they’re speaking, like I’m reading the words as they’re spoken. I’m sure it’s discomfiting, so I make an specific effort to meet their eyes often. Can’t do that if they’re not meeting yours, though. I put a damn crick in my neck trying to keep a sightline established. I’m surprised I didn’t choke on my cheeseburger.

Don’t think I’ll be having lunch with Spaz the Bobblehead again anytime soon; it was exhausting, and I don’t want to work that hard over a casual meal.

In other Business news, my boss and I were discussing Dubious Abilities, like being the best assassin, or the fastest thief. You can take pride in it because you’re the best, but you can’t really brag about it because it’s “not polite” or “illegal.” I’m sure there are certain circles in which you’d receive your due acknowledgement, but it kind of kills the chit-chat before the church service starts. “Oh me? I perfected a method of cheating the house in Roulette. What’d you do this week?”

Someone doesn't watch the Discovery Channel

Now that I'm working at a sign company, I've become hyperaware of the signage different businesses use, particularly on their vehicles. I saw a truck the other day that had a zebra stripe pattern printed down the sides. On the back was their company motto: We Stand Out.

Nevermind the fact that the stripes on zebras help them blend together into one amorphous mass to confuse predators, which is the diametrical opposite of "standing out."

In a perfect world, I could go to these people and tell them exactly where they went wrong between concept and execution, at which point they'd smack their forehead comically, say "Oh my gosh you're right!", and give me a big check.

I don't expect that to happen anytime soon.