Whirled News Tonight

Two stories recently caught my eye in my local fishwrap.

The first was about a couple of Englishmen who had flown to the US for a vacation, and ended up being jailed for several weeks. Seems they had packed a couple of silencers with them, which – as weapon accessories are want to do – attracted the notice of the authorities. These two first claimed the silencers were a gift for a hunting buddy they were visiting, then after being a guest of our penal system, refined their statement to say the silencers were for air rifles, like those used in paintball. Needless to say, the two UK natives were finally deported. One of them was quoted as saying he would never ever visit the US again. Ever.

Now, all of this tends to evoke a “Well that sucks” reaction, but the very last line of the story changes everything. “The two men admitted they had not declared the silencers to Customs.” Ohhhhhh. Now I see. Because you were the dumbasses that didn’t declare a weapon accessory, we’re the ones at fault. I’m kind of glad you won’t visit again, because personal responsibility is in short enough supply here as it is. We don’t have enough to spare for you.


The other story went something like this (I’m paraphrasing):

Local high school student Crystal Woods took offense at a comment made by her Art teacher shortly after the Presidential election, when he said that African Americans couldn’t complain about slavery anymore.

“I couldn’t believe he said that in front of the class,” said Crystal, who is African American. “It’s like he was trying to minimize our struggles in this country. “

Crystal complained to her mother, Sharon, who called Principal Jonathan Stevenson to find out what the school intended to do about the offensive speech.

This is not the first time the Woods family has run into insensitivity from the school. Crystal’s older brother, James, found a confederate flag sticker beside his locker one day, and often overheard comments from other students about how he didn’t have to perform well academically because he was on the basketball team. James, the Valedictorian of his class five years ago, attended a state school on a basketball scholarship.

Principal Stevenson has assured the Woods family that the teacher will be required to attend sensitivity training.

“I’m just glad that he’ll know he can’t say things like that without repercussions,” Sharon said.


If this were in any way a sane world, the story should have read like this:

Local high school student Crystal Woods took offense at a comment made by her Art teacher shortly after the Presidential election, when he said that African Americans couldn’t complain about slavery anymore.

“I couldn’t believe he said that in front of the class,” said Crystal, who is African American. “It’s like he was trying to minimize our struggles in this country. “

Crystal complained to her mother, Sharon, who called Principal Jonathan Stevenson to find out what the school intended to do about the offensive speech.

The Principal immediately scheduled an Over-sensitivity class for Crystal and Sharon, citing the fact that the Constitution doesn’t guarantee freedom from offense at others’ Free Speech.

“He probably shouldn’t have said that to his class,” Stevenson noted, “but to demand punishment over a thoughtless comment is overreacting just a tad.”

Stevenson says the priority for the Over-sensitivity class will be to teach the Woods women how to be more like Crystal’s brother James, who didn’t let every little thing bother him. “He maintained a perfect GPA and won a full sports scholarship to our local college,” Stevenson said. “They’d do better trying to be more like James rather than being whiny bitches.”