Of Popcorn and Prescriptions

I saw an article noting that prominent Hindus are all up in arms about The Love Guru. They want Paramount to create a video and booklet about Hinduism, and distribute them along with the DVD when it’s released “to counter the gross misrepresentations in the film.”

As of last week, the movie has made $29,427,850. The average ticket price in the US right now is $7.08, so slightly more than four million people have seen this movie. The random comments on IMDB – “Self-indulgent mess”, “R.I.P. Mike Myers’ Career”, and “It was painful” – suggest that those people are bleaching their brains just to get any residue out of their long-term memory. Rotten Tomatoes ranks it at a 15% “Freshness” (for comparison, Police Academy 6 is ranked at 0%, and Airplane! at 100%).

I think it would be cheaper and easier for Paramount just to issue a blanket apology for the film having been made at all.

I didn’t see The Love Guru because I saw the trailer, and have standards. This also applies to the upcoming Will Ferrell “comedy” Step Brothers. People actually laughed at his lowest-common-denominator shtick when the trailer was shown before Hellboy 2 (which is at least an order of magnitude better than its prequel), reinforcing my belief that people are sheep and society is doomed. This is the same character that Ferrell plays in all his movies: a grown man acting childlike. “Childlike” in this context meaning: moronic. I am horrified that he has been chosen to play Rick Marshall in the upcoming Land of the Lost movie. Actually, I’m horrified that there is an upcoming Land of the Lost movie, but to cast Ferrell, whose only connection to it is that he played Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is ridiculous. It was a brilliant in-joke that gave somebody a moronic idea.

Of course, this is Hollywood, where moronic ideas are the status quo. Usually in the form of remakes. In addition to the aforementioned Land of the Lost next year, we can expect 2010 to bring us Robocop, The Warriors,and Red Dawn. This Christmas, we’ll get treated to Keanu Reeves in The Day the Earth Stood Still. We’re being punished for something, evidently.

One remake that I did enjoy was Get Smart. The writers tipped their hats to the original series, established the break between the two, then went off and did their own thing. I’m also looking forward to Death Race. Ostensibly a remake of the mid-70s Death Race 2000, it makes absolutely no pretense of being anything other than a fluffy popcorn flick with cool explosions, sexy women, and Jason Statham kicking ass. It is so secure in its movie manliness, it gives away central plot points in the trailer, knowing we’ll go see it anyway.

In other media-related ranting, I’ve been watching a smattering of television lately since we have cable again, but I don’t think that’ll last much longer. I’ve become increasingly annoyed at commercials in general, and drug commercials in particular. It really grates on my nerves that the drug companies spend approximately ten seconds giving a general overview of what their product is for (Mnemosynil – when you can’t remember why you’re taking medicine), and the next three minutes reading the “possible side effects” page from the prescription pamphlet. I kind of think of that as being the responsibility of the doctor and/or pharmacist. It’s not like I can go into the store and get this stuff without a prescription, so presumably, some sort of medical professional will weigh whether or not I should be taking it before giving it to me, accessing the exact same information. Why does this need to be in the commercial? This is the reason an “hour-long” show lasts for forty-two minutes anymore.

I also saw a commercial for a headache remedy that used a timer to illustrate how fast their product works. They claim 15 minutes, but I noticed the timer was counting the seconds from 00 to 99. That’s an extra forty seconds per minute, which tacks on an additional ten minutes. If you lack the basic sense to be able to tell time, I’m not so sure I want to use anything that comes from your labs, which generally require finely-calibrated machinery and precise chemical measuring. I’ll just deal with the headache, thanks.

Television has too much of a bread-and-circuses vibe for me to stomach much of it. I was looking at the channel guide recently, and in one two-hour block, there were ten shows listed. Seven of these were reality shows, two were different episodes of the same crime drama series, and one was an investigative news show. Really, people. Seven reality shows? Come on; you’re not even trying anymore. Just roll them all into one show (America’s Got Talent when it’s Dancing with the Next Top Idol Survivor!), put it on its own channel, and leave the rest of us alone. Watching these shows is the modern equivalent of visiting the geek tent at the local fair, or paying sixpence to stare at the inmates at the insane asylum. It’s sad to watch these contestants with their delusions of competence. They’re just average people with average talent. Nothing special. But everybody acts as if they are. They’re like bloggers who think their thoughts and opinions are interesting to anybody other than themselves and a few close friends.

Wait…