I AM the law

I embodied an Internet Law today. No…not Rule 34, Poe’s Law.

Poe’s Law states: “Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of fundamentalism that someone won't mistake for the real thing.”

While the use of the term ‘fundamentalism’ usually implies the far Right (Poe originally formulated this law while trolling Christian usenet boards), an older and somewhat broader definition of the term is: “strict adherence to any set of basic ideas or principles,” which covers all ideologies.

And it’s true. The availability and anonymity of the internet has allowed every crazy bastard who thinks he knows THE TRUTH to hose down comment sections with his overheated brain drippings.

When Swift published A Modest Proposal in 1729, many readers failed to recognize the satirical intent because – one could argue – they did not have access to vast amounts of information with which to compare ideas, paper and books being too expensive for the common man until the Industrial Revolution a century later. I find it ironic that in today’s “Information Age,” where you can find links to most libraries, any number of magazines and newspapers, museums, encyclopedias, all kinds of video, as well as scientific and governmental data, you still cannot recognize satire, because for every idea you think is just way-out-there wacky, someone’s turned it into a .com and is plastering up huge walls of text and links.

The Letters to the Editor in my local paper is actually what got me started on all this today. This was one of them:

Free to breathe

Hallelujah!! I have never been so happy as to see that North Carolina will be enacting a smoking ban as of Jan. 1! It will be so refreshing to not have to breathe polluted air and see innocent children subjected to the noxious second hand smoke of irresponsible parents or caregivers in restaurants. The next law I would like to see would be one that charges adults with child abuse for smoking around their children.I am so proud of our state government for protecting its citizens from this disgusting habit!

— Robin

This was my comment:

I'm with you, Robin! My child has asthma, which is exacerbated by strong odors, so I'm lobbying Governor Perdue to enact a ban on people wearing perfume or aftershave in public. If people want to use a completely legal product like Old Spice, they are free to do it within their own home where I don't have to smell it. I'm especially looking forward to forcing department stores to dismantle their perfume counters, because we're too stupid to avoid them when we go out. Besides, perfume contains benzyl acetate, which is a known cancer-causing agent, and as it volatizes off the wearer's skin, it can affect everybody nearby. I think you're limiting yourself with the child abuse law, though; violators of my Perfume Law will be charged with attempted murder.

I thought it was a pretty obvious parody, but I apparently overestimated the comprehension skills of the local townsfolk. This is what I got back:

· you are one freakin idiot!

· there are lots of Socialist countries in the world that might be more to your liking. Please don't let the door hit you on your way out of the U.S of A. Let Freedom Ring!

· Wow....I am all for smoke free restaurants. If you must smoke, you can smoke outside and not indoors for the rest of us to sit through. However, a ban on perfume and cologne?? Are you kidding??? I would die without my perfume!

· I think you're a whack job.

I can’t decide whether to feel superior or sad, so I’ll leave you with the words of The Waco Kid:

“You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.”

The Nature of an Opinion

It’s based on my experiences, my travels, my studies, my readings, my experiments.

I listen and weigh and measure.

I place things in context historically, geographically, and linguistically.

I study all sides.

I follow the money.

I watch what people do instead of taking them at their word.

I footnote.

I make allowances for variables.

I don’t adhere blindly to any particular school of thought.

It means that I know what I’m talking about and you are just. Fucking. Wrong.

Anon! A mouse!

Anonymous left an instructional Wikipedia link on my “All Smug in their Beds” post from March 28. Anonymous thinks that by providing a single example of a pebble bed reactor going bad, s/he has demonstrated the futility of using them for any purpose, anywhere, ever again.

I sure hope Anonymous doesn’t travel by car, train, bus, surfboard, ship, plane, horse, truck, skateboard, roller skates, snowmobile, dogsled, skis, or on his/her feet, because I’ve seen at least one fatal accident involving each of those.

I also hope Anonymous doesn’t sleep in a bed, because 400 people die each year falling out of them.

I really hope Anonymous stays away from all liquids, because people drown every day.

And I also hope s/he doesn’t try to eat anything, because the morgues are full of choking victims.

Need I go further?

There’s a wonderful scene in one of Steven Brust’s books - The Phoenix Guards, I think - where a character speaks about getting too caught up in “What if?”. His elegant and succinct point is that they would become completely immobile, afraid to throw a stick into a stream on the chance that it had somehow become poisoned.

Life is risky. Are you a man or a mouse?

You know what cats do to mice.

This program has been sponsored by Hooters and Victoria's Secret

I saw a commercial tonight promoting the new Lingerie Football Games. I know I must be getting old because my first thought wasn't "Smokin'!" but "Ridiculous!"

My second thought was: I wonder if the cheerleaders will be wearing chadors.

Sing those songs that offend the censors

I was listening to the All Request show on our local oldies station while I cleaned up the kitchen tonight. The station has a broad format, playing anything from the 50s to the early 80s, so it’s entirely possible to hear The Four Tops followed by Cream followed by ABBA followed by Mr. Mister.

At one point, “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits came on. I was mildly annoyed that they trimmed off the overture until Sting’s final, drawn-out “I want my MTV” right before the drums kick in. I was really annoyed that someone had elected to excise the entire second verse, presumably because it contains the word “faggot.”

I’ve had gay people explain to me that they felt threatened by the “tyranny of the majority,” which I feel is an excellent, valid point. Mob rule, as a rule, is not big on logic and nuance. But does that mean we should immediately capitulate to the tyranny of the minority? No it does not. Demanding that everyone else conform to your particular worldview is the mark of an asshole, regardless of whether you’re in the majority or the minority.

When the song was released, there was also some minor controversy over the line “Bangin’ on the bongos like a chimpanzee.” I suppose the infinite number of monkeys managed to put together a protest letter before finishing up that draft of “The Tempest,” and I’m sure a bunch of gals objected to the line in the chorus “Get your chicks for free,” too.

Jesú Criste, people…lighten. the. fuck. up. It’s a damn song. The whole thing is told from the perspective of a blue-collar worker who’s envious of the apparent easy lifestyle of rock stars. Mark Knopfler actually wrote it in a hardware/custom kitchen store, and the lyrics are direct quotes from the staff, who were watching MTV at the time. And really, do you honestly think that someone will change their entire outlook on certain sections of humanity because of a catchy backbeat and a nifty guitar hook? People either already agree with the sentiments, or accept it as just another tune to drum along with on the steering wheel and won’t let it affect how they treat other people.

This whole damn country has lost its perspective. No one seems to have any kind of gradations in their feelings anymore. Notice how I reacted to the editing of the song up there at the top? I was annoyed. Not raging, not inconsolable, certainly not offended. Annoyed. I didn’t fire off a letter to the editor, didn’t call the station and threaten a boycott of their advertisers because they were denying me my “right” to enjoy the entire song, and didn’t start an action group and apply for Federal funding. I didn’t even change the station. I just shook my head and wondered when we became such thin-skinned wusses that we feel threatened by a fucking song lyric.

I blame the S.L.A. The Simian Lesbian Association. You know…the chimp chick faggots.

Six off the cuff

Pulls gun from garter and takes care of it

Mrs. Cat asks an interesting question: Can you think of any action film in which a woman does something incredibly dangerous to save the man she loves? When women wade into the fray, it’s usually to protect their children or the weak, or to fight for some cause or principle – and these are usually in Horrors or Dramas. Or it’s played for laughs in Comedies and Spoofs. As many movies as we’ve seen, we can’t think of a straight-up “Stand back, honey; let me handle this.” situation.

***

Hats off to stupid policies

The Pittsburg-area bank PNC has a new policy: customers must take off their hats, sunglasses and other items that might conceal their identity while inside its branches. Apparently, this is a growing trend for banks nationwide.

"Hopefully, [thieves] see that sign and will say they should go someplace else," said Margot Mohsberg, spokeswoman for the American Bankers Association.” Yeah, because people who have convinced themselves to commit a felony will be dissuaded by a laminated sign.

Bruce Spitzer, spokesman for the Massachusetts Bankers Association, said "We knew that implementing this would not solve all bank robberies. But it might prevent some.” Good thinking, Bruce. I bet if you restricted all transactions to the drive-up window, you’d cut them down even further. Once you start justifying actions with “It might prevent some (whatever)”, the line differentiating sound policy and absurdity disappears.

Now I want to rob a bank with a tree just to see the “No Trees” signs appear.

***

Challenging, but not…you know…challenging

I’m helping someone create a trivia game, and was chastised for asking too-difficult questions. Sorry, dude; I thought you wanted this to be kind of fun.

***

When verbification attacks

Shutterbugs have been hassled in Phoenix, AZ for taking pictures of downtown buildings. When asked which DHS statute they were violating (the “charge”), the helpful police officer told them to “Google it.”

***

Zero tolerance = zero intelligence

http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2009/04/sexting-hysteri.html

I’m thinking the whole “sexting” scare is being blown out of proportion by the media to sell product, just like the germs stories, the shark stories, the dangerous toys stories, etc. etc.

***

More inappropriate humor

Mrs. Cat looked over at some visitors in the boneyard next door and commented; “The zombies are getting fresher.”

Legume: It May Concern

Northwest Airlines has added peanuts back to its in-flight snack menu, and boy are some people pissed. The web site of the Star Tribune (in Minneapolis, where Northwest is based) was inundated with complaints from the public.

One man stated “This is a very disappointing development. My wife’s allergy is so severe that if someone is sitting next to her and eating peanuts, the odor is enough to trigger an allergic reaction."

I’m thinking if your wife is that susceptible, what the hell is she doing out in public?

“What’s wrong with pretzels?” asked another. Nothing at all…unless you’re allergic to wheat.

We’ve all heard horror stories about severely allergic people accidentally ingesting some peanut product and dying. Schools across the country scrambled to remove peanut products from their lunchrooms, airlines endure the bitching and demands for special accommodation, and lobbyists try to cadge money for research.

Know how many people died of food allergies in the US in 2005, according to the CDC?

Eleven.

That’s eleven total; from all food allergies.

Peanut allergies seem to account for approximately 54% of all food allergy-related deaths, so that’s what…six people a year, or thereabouts? And, as it turns out, many of those deaths happened because the person did not have their epi pens with them, so that’s their own fault. So we’re left with maybe two or three people dying each year from a peanut allergy. To hear the stories, though, you’d think these folks were bursting into flames if they even came into contact with Styrofoam peanuts.

Of course, there’s always that one fucking idiot that piously informs you that if even one person dies, it’s too many. If we banned every thing that ever killed at least one person, we wouldn’t have anything left. People are remarkably inventive/stupid when it comes to finding ways to off themselves. More people die from falling out of bed (about 450) every year than from food allergies, but no one is lobbying for the elimination of beds. (At least...I hope not. I'm not giving up my California King.)

I hate it for them, but people that are allergic to peanuts are in the extreme minority. You don’t hear folks with dairy allergies (the #1 food allergy) kvetching about the creamer the stewardesses are tossing around the cabin, do you? Should the rest of the flying public have their P-NUT PAKs taken away because 0.0000006% of the U.S. population might be on the same flight, and might accidentally hoover up some peanut dust?

Don’t be a goober.